The first of several missions "in search of smooch" I undertook was to a supermarket of sorts, that operates under the trading name of "Food 4 Less"
Now, if you're anything like me, your first thought is going to be "Hmmm, now if I want to pay less for my food - and I do - surely there would have to be some costs cut elsewhere along the line, like i'll have to pack it myself, or all the food will be on pallets instead of shelving". Which is a reasonable enough proposition.
But Food 4 Less have countered with a totally different solution.
Sell food that was produced cheaply.
Very cheaply.
Shall we continue? I think it best.
Here we have some cookies. Or wooden replicas. It's hard to tell, even after biting into one. Already, you can garner that "Less" extends to the presentation of the food.
Now I many of you would prefer your corn tacos in an unsweaty condition, but this is Food 4 LESS - although in this instance, you get more, in the form of undesirable moisture. A blessing and a curse in one humid offering.
Ah, Buddig. You shouldn't have. No, really, you should not have.
(By the way, who the hell is making a sandwich consisting entirely of two pieces of sour dough bun and approximately 9 slices of dried corn beef? And in which season do their bowels finally move?)
Now, Bacos have more "bacon flavor bits" than the next leading brand. Well, they not really leading brands. These guys are more like loss leading brands. Their losses include me, as a potential customer.
So, you're probably on high horse smirking "psshaw, I don't bother with pretend meats anyway, it's a mug's game. I only ingest real meat."
WELL THEN, here is your previously frozen smelt. Enjoy. Eat it all up.
Don't like fish you say? Well how about a clammy gaggle of skinned turkey necks? Hearty.
To paraphrase Reverend Lovejoy; "Or... miscellaneous."
But, y'know, you are paying LESS. Doesn't really seem like such an advantage now, does it?
Still, at least you can wash down your random meat offcuts with a glass or two of KBAC....?
Now because you're the type of person who demand to pay less for your KBAC, you forgo the little touches, like having the wrapper on straight. Or on at all. I can only assume the KBAC labelling factory is staffed by a pod of particularly uncoordinated Russian king crabs.
For dessert, Hostess brings you a selection of their "American Glue Dream" range. Having seen these advertised in the back of every Sad Sack, Richie Rich, Lil Devil, Uncle Scrooge and Yogi Bear comic, I had a 25 year hankering to sample both of these. Both are without a doubt two of the least edible items my body has had the misfortune of orally encountering. A sweet, gluey disappointment.
Fancy a biscuit? Not a fancy biscuit. More of a tragedy in a biscuit form. Although I did laugh a lot when I saw these. A biscuit-themed tragicomedy then.
Oh. Hey. Wow. Um, thanks Nanna for my wrestling championship belt. Let me guess, you paid less for this too? No, you can't tell at all. I'm just going to put this in my room. I'll wear it later, when i've stopped weeping.
Homies! Collect 'em all. Although, seeing as it's a gumball style vending machine, you can't actually choose which one you want, which makes the prospect of collecting 'em all rather long-winded and for masochists only.
Still, If I can get that "Cookout Homie" think of all the fun I'll have. All. The. Fun.
Sure you don't want a bikkie? Look at all that food colouring. Mmmm, damaging.
So there we are. Food 4 Less. It's less in so many more ways than I could have expected.
