Just a taster...

Here's a just a minute sampling of the smooch "delights" I've found in the USA that will be scarring your retinas in the very near future:







It gets way, way worse. Don't miss it.

In search of smooch

Just a quick note to let you know i'm currently in The United States of America, and am collating a Double Gulp's worth of smooch. Stay tuned!

No 1 Smooes update - Men's Casual

Just wanted to make you all aware of the latest examples of totally unacceptable Men's casual footwear, available from the cheerful folks at Number One Shoe Warehouse.













Every one, a footwear crime.

Smooch: The hot topic?

Even the cool kids are jumping on the smooch bandwagon. Or is it just a universal pivot point for every successive generation of mass consumers?

However you want to look at it, NZ's biggest newspaper, the NZ Herald, featured this column by Wendyl Nissen documenting one of the most common areas of smooched clothing wear, the dreaded "sleeping smooch". I think we're all familiar with this - at one point I had a purple British Knights shirts which I basically had to knot onto my person, such were the width and abundance of its holes. My mother tried to throw it out many times, much to my disdain. Eventually it literally fell apart in my hands. A lesson learned.

Anyway, have a read, I thought this was pretty bang on.

"It hasn't been the sexiest of winters. Grim-faced women all over town are sharing tales of too much clothing between the sheets, the necessity of layer removal, the reluctance to do so and therefore the absence of sex.

Never before has there been so much discussion about what one wears to bed as we realise that three jumpers, elastic-waist flannelette pants and woolly socks are not exactly the stuff of Victoria's Secret catalogues. We hang our heads in shame, having let the side down this winter, banning our sexy black nighties to the bottom of the drawers as we seek warmth not passion in our bedrooms.

Which is why, after a recent discussion along these lines, I took a look at the other side of the bed and realised that when it comes to bedwear crimes, women are not alone.

Imagine your grandfather in his last years at the rest home. Picture the light blue and white-striped flannelette pyjama shirt, the dark blue piping around the collar, the breast pocket where he conveniently kept his packet of smokes. Now add a large rip along the bottom, remove all the buttons so that it hangs open offering little in the way of warmth, and splatter over it a few ancient coffee stains.

But don't finish there. Put it on a pack a day smoker for 10 years so that it is infused with the stale, oak finish of tobacco, add the odd splash of red wine after a few too many and have a whiff.

This is what I stare at and smell every night - my husband's ancient pyjama shirt.

"It's comfy, it's soft, it helps me sleep," he pleads, doing a very good impression of a toddler with a cuddle rug.

"It stinks, you smell like an old man - and an incontinent old man at that," I respond. "Don't care," he says, rolling over and putting his thumb in his mouth.

Jarmy shirt, as it has become known, has been hidden by me on several occasions. I could never actually throw it out as that would seem heartless and cruel, but kicking it so far under the bed it would not emerge until a rare spring clean seemed okay. As did throwing it in the compost bin. Both times my husband found it and emerged holding it to his heart. "My Jarmy shirt!"

This winter, aware of my displeasure that Jarmy shirt had found its way back from exile in the garden shed, he's taken to hiding it every morning before he goes to work. I can't be bothered trying to find out where. That would be infantile.

And besides we have been here before, my husband and I. There was the pair of khaki shorts which ended up in a similar condition, faded and ripped, coffee and wine-stained, reeking of tobacco - which would have been alright, if one of the holes wasn't situated in the crutch. He also insisted on rolling the legs up so high that they ended up resembling the rompers I used to wear for PE at intermediate school. All tight at the top of the thigh and then billowing out like a balloon over your bum.

The flannel shirts he was so fond of when we first met, which gave him a faint air of Russell Crowe, were all wrong in the early 90s and even worse in the next decade when I finally ripped them up for use as dusters.

There were also the boat shoes, footwear last seen when we cared about the America's Cup and now only occasionally spied on ageing wharf rats at Auckland's Viaduct whose wives should know better.

These items were disposed of after a series of discussions which centred around the premise that I wouldn't be seen dead within 5cm of them.

He, of course, has never had a problem with any article of my wardrobe. Because that would be deemed insensitive, callous and offensive.

If only I could find that bright red bra, those white jeans and that nifty little purple waistcoat."

Do people still?

"x6 tapes of assorted music
charlie rich
the statler brothers
jennifer rush
willie nelson
kenny rogers
col hardy "

BUY NOW $5




"This item will not be offered to watchers if unsold

I have been collecting the last 35 years of home entertainment formats for a while now. It is time to pass on my collection to another collector.

You will never find Betamax movies in this condition. The following movies are brand new and still sealed....(edited due to tedious list)

53. Betamax head cleaner (wet type)
54. That's Entertainment (test tape only, first 5 min is damaged)
4 Brand new blank Sony Betamax Tapes

Pick up from: Colwill Road, Royal Heights (Massey East)
Feel free to view my other auctions. Thank you"



"Pioneer remote model CU-CLDO71"



"This is a red tape rewinder for VCR tape, it is in good condition as picture showed.


Happy bidding!

please check my other listing, there are lots more for sell."



"Hooked on Christmas CD

Has light scratches all over the disc. The case has no cracks however the inside cover telling you about the cd is all crinkled and has a bit missing off the bottom corner.

Selling because we have two.

Please note I describe my items to the best of my ability therefore do not offer refunds. Any questions please ask :o)"

The power of photography

Now it's not for me to make fun of a mortgagee sale, but here really is an example of the power of persuasion through photography. Take note of these exquisite snaps, really creating an aura of homeliness and capturing the evocative "my next dream home" emotion, so important in the art of the sale.



"13 Richmond Street, Ohai $26,000

Affordable Rural Home
Asking price $26,000. Spacious 2 bedroom bungalow with open plan living/dining in Ohai Western Southland. Ideal doer upper for the handyman all on 1016m2 section with town water and sewerage.

2
1


Type & Style Lifestyle, Bungalow
Rooms 2 Bedroom(s), Open Plan Lounge, Open Plan Dining, Separate Laundry
Exterior Features Deck
Construction Weatherboard, Both Joinery, Permanent Materials
Interior Features Electric Cooking, Stainless Steel Kitchen Finish, Stove, Woodburner, Fixed Floor Coverings, Blinds, Curtains, Drapes, Light Fittings
Property Features 1,012 Sqm, Flat Contour, North West Aspect, Partially Fenced, Private Views, Good Access
Building Features 1 Car Garaging, External Garage Access, Bungalow
Services Mains Sewerage, Town Supply Water
Legal Information Local Council: SDC"





"The average sale price of properties in Southland is $223,431 for sales in the last 3 months."

Thanks to Jack for the contribution.

Mo' Tat (Tat = rubbish, Mo' = more)

"Welcome to Smooch Tat, may I take your order?"

MOTAT Is Auckland, New Zealand's "Museum of Transport and Technology" and they are currently offering free entry to anyone who resides in Auckland. Now this is a pretty cool gesture, but has anyone been to MOTAT lately?

I know they're severely underfunded, and run mostly on volunteer staff, but they really need people to give them some more old stuff. Because what I saw was mostly the same old stuff they've always had, in newly painted sheds.

Anyway, seeing as it was my birthday and I needed an excuse not to drink before lunch, I thought i'd pop down there with my camera and collate a selection of historical smooch.


They had this there. This blue thing. The thrill of it all.


A dirty seat deters everyone but the most hardened old tractor seat-sitter from touching the machinery.

The fire engines are left "as is"



As. Is.


I got to look at these old buses for free.


And this old grader (I think it's a grader, it's been a long time since I played in the sandpit).


And these old tins. All absolutely free to look at.


And this er, empty room ...choice.


Rusty pipes. Historic, important, pioneering rusty pipes. These were actually one of the newer additions to Motat's collection.


This bus was new too. And full of seats of other old bus seats. All part of the deal.

I also realised that Richard Pearse was a slightly demented chap who was still trying to make planes out of bits of old metal and cloth as late as 1944.

So you can see that MOTAT is still everything that you remember it being. And free is a fair price.

Smooch braille

“TOOT if you like Sex”

That’s the sandwich board of an escort club I spotted one poor soul holding on a street corner last night.

But, you ask, what’s the number you have to call?

“021 CREAM IT”

That’s absolutely fine.

"View seller's other listings"

I usually decline on seeing what other items of smooch people are also selling - part of me feels a little chastened, as though what i'm doing is punishment enough, without showcasing further how much junk they a) own and b) are trying to foist on humanity.

Usually.

But after seeing this wonderful Munch Bunch puzzle, I accepted the offer to see what else they were trying to take your good money for.



DETAIL OF AUCTION: "1983 Old Frame Tray Puzzle

Series MB1

Size: 31.8W x 25.3L cms

Ruff specks minimal, back board has crayon lines and scribble where pieces go. Otherwise...

Great little puzzle maybe for collector.

Please take a look at my other listings as Im clearing out my puzzle collection."

PRICE: Start your bid at seven dollars and who knows, this could be a part of your "puzzle collection" - y'know that mirror-backed cabinet full of 2000 piece Renoir prints and 1500 piece quaint French harbourside town scenes.Well, imagine the boost to your collection this 30 piece Munch Bunch --- okay, I have to stop. The bile has risen to my back teeth.

Anyway, let's take them up on their offer and see what other items of consideration they are willing to part with for cold, hard cash.

How about a pair of: "Decorated JEANS with adjustable elastic inside the waist. Zip up front + button at top.

The pockets have extra material as decoration, and the left leg has the styalysed words "Urban Fasion" (x3) and "Cyberskate."

Brand: JK

Material: 100% cotton - worn look. "?



Or.... Angel 'n Disguise....



"Brand New My daughter doesn't like the design. "

Some quotes of note from other auctions:

"Very good condition only problem one piece has abit of fraying could be glued down would rather let winner do it."

...

"Hardly worn, Very small pen mark you maybe able to get it out... barely noticeable & missing one button at the top."

...

"Bank of New Zealand, Panda Visit offical product

Has Hamilton written on back"

...

"Nice and warm fluffy inside and soft on outside no tags on it so maybe its reversible up to you."

...

"Brought From Trademe a week ago turned on once and realised the models we have are newer so not needed."


(This is for a 486 COMPUTER. $30.)

Wow.