How... to... cut... bun... ...?

Introducing a new standard in food preparation laziness - The Hot Dog Maker by Chefmate™

Forget making popcorn, bread, waffles or even ice cream, now you can have a helping hand assist in making the world's simplest meal.

Why put some franks in a pot on the stove - when you can use the hot dog maker?

Why use your hands or a knife to cut the buns - when you can use the hot dog maker?

Why bother overtly telling everybody you're the most sluggish, unmotivated, scared of applying any effort in your daily life, smooch son of a bitch in existence - when you can use the hot dog maker?

Acceptable under no circumstances

Even the lowest from of clown, fit for only grubby circus-themed Czechoslovakian pornos, would look upon you with pity and indignation for wearing these atrocities.




Thanks to Riddimz for collating this amazing group of images.

Cap off your week with this conderable item

Just a scant $24.99 RRP will see you the owner of this cap of consideration.

As you can see, it sports "Outdoors with Geoff" which is a fishing television programme. Nothing exemplifies the type of person you are by wearing a piece of clothing furninshed in the branding of a TV show - especially a 'non-fiction' one. This will go nicely with your "AMI Insurance presents TV3 Weather" cravat and your "Trackside Horse and Greyhound racing Network" fitted bodice.

You also may notice the glaring at the front of the cap. This is due to five miniscule lights that for some reason are inserted into the peak of this beauty. There's a switch secreted into the peak and better still, battery and wiring located on the port flank, which must be a charm in rain or heavy sea. The lighting is presumably to help you locate your tackle when looking to urinate from the deck during pitch darkness, as your undoubtedly immense beer belly obscures it from view.

If orange doesn't suit your ruddy complexion, fear not, as it is also available in classic black, and a fetching 'camo' colourway, in case your stuck in the bush and want to give no illusions to what sort of person you are when the rescue party arrives.

Truly this is a cap of our times.

More great news for Adult bubbies

Now you can sleep like a baby. Literally.


Thanks to Tedge Mackery's Latino Neighbour for the contribution.

When I grow up, I want to be a winner.

Hilarity courtesy of an ad found in a cookbook at my flat.

Obviously, winning in this context involves possessing a haircut straight out of Gloss and being able to hold lots of pens, paintbrushes, vague rectangular shapes and a calculator. But no desk to put them on.



A slogan that stands the test of time.

I can't remember your name, but here's your face.

The story that goes with this... wow.

WHAT IT IS: "Pencil Portrait Drawing of a fellow film extra" (Already off to a banging start, this one.)

DETAIL OF AUCTION: (Here we go....)

"the notes on the back of this small original sketch read:

"Wednesday--August 13, 2008
At the "Go Girls" shoot (I was Sports Bar Patron) my time was pushed from 12 to 3:45 & they ate late lunch in front of me. I passed the time sketching the other extras & giving them away: Carolyn Green, James ? who gave me a lift after, ? Maori Lady ?, ? Pale Guy ?, ? hobbity guy ?, ? Older Lady ?, ? Lady going to England ?, ? Sing Star ?a ( "Core Charada" "Tequila Sunsrise" was her big hit (& her friend) I ended up keeping this one because it didn't look like her & I didn't feel like offering it."

well, even if it didn't look like the subject, i quite like the drawing!"

PRICE: Bid away your last $20, or if you can stretch it, Buy Now for $25. Twenty. Five. Dollars.

COMMENT FROM SELLER: None, but I would dearly love to see the sketches of "James ? who gave me a lift after" and "? Lady going to England ?"

Wacky Wayne's Punk Face

WHAT IT IS: No, really, i'm not joking, it is a punky face ornament.

DETAIL OF AUCTION: "This auction is for one new funky looking punk face ornament, its a great piece to add to the collection or give as a gift to a friend or family member.
The face measures 17cms in length and 11 cms in height
The item will be bubble wrapped and boxed for postage
Layby is available at 20% deposit at time of winning auction and balance to be paid within 45 days of winning the auction.
Check out my other listings to combine your purchase and receive cheaper postage."

PRICE: Start your bid at $30, or go the whole hog and buy it now for $32.

COMMENT FROM SELLER: None, but the seller also has some less embarrassing ornaments for sale. Oh, but they do have THIS.


Thanks to Phil for contributing this find.

JO-ANN Craft Smoochermarket - Part 2 of 2

And after a brief pause, we now return you to Jo-Ann craft superstore in suburban Portland, Oregon. What horror lays await for us?


Welcome to the Land of Shoddy Workmanship. If we can build it for less in order to sell it for less, you'll find it here.


Remnants. Sweet, near-valueless remanants. No, seriously, who has "bits of old leather" on their shopping list?


A great way to lose the remaining three you still have is to install this sign. JO-ANN makes it EASY.


Fons & Porter. Ask for it by name. I dare you.


The magic is making your money disappear from your wallet into their till by buying these. Zing!


Just because your artistic talent peaked at 3 years of age, that does not mean you can't go on to become a creator of fabric designs for people who don't have the energy to cut out a bunch of of smooch fabrics into the shape of a really badly drawn plane.


In case you were in any doubt that the key demographic for this store was "one step away from the grave"


"Phew! That rayon is really overpowering. I should open a window or something but i'm too lazy. Plus trying to cut out this badly drawn plane from a variety of smooch fabrics has really drained me."


"FREEEwwwwnKKK."


Fool's Mate. As if it's even possible to humiliate the offspring of a Jo-Ann shopper any further.


Ripped. Still for sale. That's fine.


"All aboard the Skateboarders With Polio Express!"


It's kind of like the tip, only people pay to take this stuff home to put in their houses.

NO MANTYHOSE

"the market for men's hosiery has reportedly taken off in recent years.

Last month UK department store Selfridges responded to the demand and began stocking (no pun intended) a range of extra-tough tights designed exclusively for men.

At £70 (NZ$151) a pair, they're not exactly cheap, but David Walker-Smith, Selfridges' director of menswear and beauty told the UK's Mail Online they would be the stylish man's "secret weapon" this European winter.

Dubbed 'mantyhose', Walker-Smith said the 120 denier tights, produced by London label Unconditional, were not only a way to give legs an extra boost of warmth but also a "true style statement".

London-based hosiery designer Harisnya is an advocate of the trend. He has even set up a website which demonstrates how the garment - traditionally seen as a woman's domain - can be worn by men.

"I like to wear pantyhose - just like many other men - because I like the soft material, the support it gives to my legs and body, and because I find it very practical," Harisnya says."


NO, NO, NO, NO. JUST NO.

Naggers visits Crystal Mountain

I regularly receive contributions. I like them all, even the ones I don't use. Because it shows to me that smoochness is universally noted and reviled. Today, though, I bring you a contribution above and beyond. Contributor "Naggers" (a term defined commonly as "people that annoy me") has sent a photo essay depicting their trip to a themed park in the outer depths of West Auckland known as Crystal Mountain.

I'll let Naggers take it from here....

"Smooch from a recent trip to Crystal Mountain. A magical wonderland of Mother Nature's sparkly bones, confusing crafts and ambiguous spirituality. Natural wonders to a new age soundtrack. Assorted religious sayings and thinly-veiled Christian literature. There is also some kind of animal farm with a Speedy Gonzales roller coaster, but we didn't go to that area."


"I usually have a kind of soft spot for shitty craft characters with eyes on them but the millions of years of pressure and volcanic forces that brought these little fuckers into existence did so in vain. The rugged beauty of nature is lost in their glassy tumbled surface and awkward sideways glances."



"If you need the smell of butts to be associated with anything else, why not make it this beautifully carved wooden foot? A steal at $35."



"They had HUNDREDS of these."



"This is a taxidermy piranha. Piranha are baddass and taxidermy is a great way to show animals and things you don't usually see at work or in your lounge. These are mounted on wooden balls. Are they wheels? Is it doing a balancing trick? Are those it's balls? We will never know."



"Beautiful natural formations like this make great gifts. I'd usually call something like this "timeless", but they have somehow managed to make it the opposite of timeless by putting a timepiece IN it."



"A family of elephants stop to drink at a water barrel with a crystal ball with spinning lights and water overflowing. Where is the wizard? why is the magic crystal ball in a barrel? What is going on here exactly?"


Well there we have it. This place certainly deserves to go on the SMOOCH THEME PARKS list, alongside Owlcatraz in Shannon.

Unacceptable sneaker behaviour

This is not on. Cut the velcro strap off if you don't wish to use it. But you should, because you look like you don't know how to apply the world's simplest fastening device.



Ridiculous variants (or "colourways" in sneaker terms). This is the Palms Hotel edition of this particular shoe. Palms Hotel. Yep. Eeeeeeeessential.



Thanks to Alex for sourcing these.

Interesting personal notice

Any takers?

(I think we can make a rule here - anyone using the public notice cards at the supermarket to get laid is inherently smooch).



Thanks to Naggers for the contribution - speaking of which, Naggers has sent me an entire photo essay of smooch which I will have for the rest of you to enjoy within the next couple of days.

Straight off the road, straight into your dreams

I can only imagine this auction is run by someone with an "r as w" lisp, hence 'Gwoovy as Wockabilly Boots'

WHAT IT IS: "Groovy as Rockabilly Boots"

DETAIL OF AUCTION: Are you ready? Then lets begin....

"These are great boots... I bought them earlier this early on a whim from a rockabilly on the side of the road in Auckland. Unfortunately they're much to big for me, so I have to let them go.
They zip up at the sides.
Cuban high heel.
Rounded square toe.
Beautiful leather. However, these boots might need a little bit of loving care to bring them back to life - a bit of a polish here and there.
Wear them with folded up ripped jeans and a lumberjack shirt - sorted.

I'm cleaning out my over-brimming wardrobe in anticipation for summer. Check out my other listings for more vintage, fur, bric-a-brac and accessories.

Thanks for trading!"

PRICE: Start your bid at $1, or buy now for $10. What a choice you have there.

COMMENT FROM SELLER: None yet, but i'm in anticipation of the bric-a-brac.


Thanks to Flee for contributing another spectacular addition to the site.