Everything you've ever wanted to know about Muckle Flugga*

WHAT IT IS: "PAT EVISON HAPPY DAYS IN MUCKLE FLUGGA"

DETAIL OF AUCTION: "PAT EVISON HAPPY DAYS IN MUCKLE FLUGGA

LARGE PAPERBACK ALL ABOUT AUSTRALASIA'S FINEST ACTORS"

PRICE: Start your bids with 6 of your hard-earned dollars. To be honest, you'd be better off purchasing two pies.

COMMENT FROM SELLER: None. Have I mentioned that my Grandad could not stand (Dame) Pat Evison? Needless to say, I still trust his judgement.

Smicecreams

WHAT IT IS: "Icecream & popsicles Mobile" (Capitalisation, Seller's own)

DETAIL OF AUCTION: "3 Icecream desserts, pearl, sparkling and colorful mobile
This mobile is hand painted onto transparent Polycarbonate.
Looks great hung near a window where the sun is able to shine on them and send beautiful reflections around the walls as the mobile moves in the natural air movement of your home.

Size: 95mm x 70mm, very child safe

Postage Free
(only 3 left)"

PRICE: Buy now for $5

COMMENT FROM SELLER: None. I keep thinking polycarbonate was the stuff Han Solo was frozen in during the Star Wars trilogy, but that's not as amusing as the "beautiful reflections" this contraption is alleged to create.

Old money...

via 'Official Funner' Dan Tanner

"I am fucking sick of people trying to sell me NEW fashioned handfeeding negro type moneyboxes" - Philip, Browns Bay

"Guy came all the way from Browns Bay to Mt. Albert just to post this?" says Dan.

Dan posted this fine gem on Muckmouth.com's "Some Items of Consideration" the forefather and guiding light to this website. If you have never been there, I sternly implore you to do so.

Modern Needs

I guess kids these days can't get excited aboout recreating the Battle of the Somme or Guns of Navarone.

Still, this is a very smooch step in the other direction....




[Click on the photos to see them in full]

Absolutely fine. And yes, that is a Paper Plus sticker on it, so if you live in New Zealand you can buy a set for your children.

I dare anyone to send one in the mail to the United States. (Chortle! - Reader's voice)

Many thanks to Lady Rose and Katie for the contribution.

Pizzazzery

Contributor Naggers has once again stumbled upon a garish element of the smooch landscape.

A website entitled Puppet Pizzazz where two grown gentleman are eager to offer you their services in the way of puppeteering two frightening looking middle aged women. Puppets.

As Naggers so puts it, it's "terifying" I'm reticent to show you any visuals, firstly as the experience provoked a palpable cold fear from my brain and body, and I was forced to have a bit of a lie down. Secondly, the site is so awfully constructed and fully of animated ("gifs" - Ed) that it crashed my browser. Twice.


I took that as something of a blessing and refused to return.

However....




Brrrr.


Thanks Naggers.

Smooch Sonic

Or as some people seem to think the character is called, SPACE CAT.

Truly this creation is a Space Cat of Consideration.


Many thanks to Dan Tanner for his fine contribution.

It's not stalking, it's art.

Two for the price of one in this amazingly detailed sketch.



WHAT IT IS: ""man in a cap with a cell phone" by barbara pauly"

DETAIL OF AUCTION: "small 5 3/4" x 8 1/4" graphite sketch

protected in a plastic "copysafe pocket"

free delivery to an auckland buyer

on the back of the quality sketch paper is another sketch by the same artist:

"Parked Cars...Interesting Road Markings...14:40 pm 31/12/8" "

PRICE: Just 5 of your hard earned folding starts the bidding for this one.

COMMENT FROM SELLER: None, but I am tempted to request the "b-side" sketch for hilarity purposes.

Let's go to Wal-Mart ..part 2.

WELCOME BACK TO WAL-MART! ENJOY OUR AIR-FILLED BREAD FOR PEOPLE WITH AIR-FILLED HEADS!


Those forlorn hats are the biscuit base to the rest of this display's icing and cherries.


Cheap Mexican DVD's. The one on the top right is particularly disturbing.


But you can't watch these DVD's without a packet of ¡SPONCH! can you? That would be insane. What may be more reasonable is to be completely clueless as to what ¡SPONCH! actually is.


Fisherman have very low self esteem. They'll take a smashed tub of bait from the fridge at Wal-Mart, shrug despondently then shuffle off to fish, a solitary tear slowly trickling down their cheek.


It's a touchdown~! ....for smoochness.


Now it's easy enough to laugh at these knock off sodas, especially their weak imitation names, but the Dr Pepper rip off tasted near-identical, and was only 78¢. Clearly it was made of cats and automotive lubricant.


It exclaims "GREAT VALUE." It really says "YOU ARE TOO POOR TO ALLOW YOURSELF TO ENJOY YOUR FOOD."


Mmmm. Unusually dry.


Mmm. Unusually gelatinous.


Inedibles, more like.


Of course, the photo on the outside can't possibly live up to the real thing.


What you can't tell from this photo is that this was the size of an unusually tall 4-year old child, and appears to consist entirely of food colouring and hardened sugar. You wouldn't find this in N.Z.


Cheesing the days away. Almost everything featured here has the gluey consistency, which is the only way a human body's digestive tract is able to process this non-food.


Artichoke Dip or one of Pierre Curie's petrie-dish experiments? You be the judge.


Oh Dinty Moore. When other people stop, you just truck on into Carb Town at twice the speed.


That slice of mushroom looks like a prehistoric fossil preserved in tree sap. But it probably tastes much worse.


Oh, I get it. The chicken is in a separate can TO KEEP IT FRESHER. Or two withhold e.coli from forming until the moment of preparation.

THAT'S WHY PEOPLE WHO SHOP AT WAL-MART ARE FAT. THERE, I SAID IT.

Let's go to Wal-Mart ..part 1.

So, in a fitting conclusion to the highlights of my trip to the United States, I bring you "The Smoochest look at Wal-Mart" which was such a bounty of awful items that we had to stop taking photos after ten minutes.
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Now, there's already a fine website dictated to the smooch customers of Wal-Mart so I kept my camera fixed firmly on things for sale.

This is all new stuff Ready to take home. Yet, most of it looks like trash.


First shot taken. FIRST SHOT. The presentation couldn't be smoocher.


"PhOMPaaur."


Welcome to Clown Town!


Because the scale was somewhat lost in many of these clothing snaps, I asked young Pedro Juan here to help out as a guide. As you can see, both of his legs would fit with room to spare in one leg of these smooch jeans. His look of bewildered is genuine, and mirrors my own.


"TRONNNughh"


It beggars belief, but there are rows upon rows upon rows of this stuff. Larger than a standard home of clothing smooch.


Hats too. Actually, here's a game. Try to pick your LEAST favourite smooch hat. AC/DC NASCAR is a popular choice....


Miller Fart Time has noticeable scuffing...


Smooch Dale Earnhardt Jr is a clever nod of his current form...


...or Adult Baby Taz hat? The possibilites are many. I hate them all equally, which is cheating.


And now, the shoe department....



Vile. Invokes memories of clogs and bad teeth-to-gum ratios.


No really, they went there.


Why is everything bent and sat on? Why? Why?


Just looking at these ones nearly gave me chilblains.


Shipwrecked appeared to be a popular style this season at Wal-Mart Footwear. Maybe it's a clever disguise to the fraying that will occur within minutes of owning it.


I mean, COME ON. "Um, I was thinking army/fairy for my inspiration."


Ah, the "Scoot" boat smooe. This one stopped us in our tracks for quite some time. Ruban merely touched the box and one half of this gruesome twosome slithered halfway out of the box, toe end stoved in and scuffed. If it had promptly self-combusted we would have experienced a form of cultural nirvana.


Wheeeeee!!! Adults can be kids too!!

So that's that then. I feel most uneasy and require a cup of tea and a lie down.

When my pallor has returned to normal, we shall take a look at the Food section of Wal-Mart. Oh yes. You are what you eat.....

Talk soon,
Ost