Smushi Maker

Who the hell pays $112.48 for sushi? It's like a dollar a roll.

Don't take a fence to this terrible pun.

Here's an opportunity you don't get every day, the chance to "tart down" your home with these very worn out fence pickets.

WHAT IT IS: Fifty-five used fence palings.

DETAIL OF AUCTION: "65MM WIDE 20MM THICK AND 1 METRE LONG

THERE ARE 55 IN TOTAL.

THE AUCTION IS FOR ALL 55

PICK UP ONLY,FROM SILVERDALE"

(Silverdale!)

PRICE: It's a bidathon! $10! $10.50! Can anyone go as high as eleven dollars?

COMMENT FROM SELLER: N/a

Smuit and Vegetables

It appears I have found a purveyor of smooch, whom proudly trumpets their achievements in the field of not-throwing-away-useless-goods-but-selling-them-instead.

WHAT IT IS: Remember fake fruit? Yes. Remember why we had fake fruit? Me neither. Remember fake bread and fake cheese?

(I hope "no" is the answer you gave to the third question.)

ABOUT: "This auction is for a bulk lot of fruit, bread and cheese ornaments! Great for your kitchen or food shop!

Included in the lot are:

- A red capsicum/pepper with a couple of chips on the bottom, a crack on one side and a small dent on the top.
* Paper mache-coated polystyrene
* 220mm long
* 180mm wide

- A red and yellow apple that is in perfect condition apart from two minor dents on one side, but does not affect the paintwork. The leaf on top needs a clean.
* Paper mache-coated polystyrene
* 260mm high
* 230mm wide

- A block of swiss cheese. It is a bit dirty and sticky.
* Rubber
* 190mm long
* 110mm high
* 140mm wide

- Wedge of cheese. Top is pushed in with a small split so a bit out of shape. Needs a clean.
* Rubber
* 205mm long
* 195mm width
* 95mm height

- Large scone. Needs a clean.
* Rubber
* 200mm diameter (approx)
* 70mm height

- A round loaf of hard bread. Needs a clean.
* Painted paper-mache
* 230mm diameter
* 80mm height

- 2x Bagels. Need a clean.
* Painted paper-mache
* 150mm diameter
* 70mm height


*****

Items available for inspection by arrangement."

PRICE: Buy now of $14.


COMMENT FROM SELLER: (Note, no mention of why they are not unable to clean any of these items before attempting to sell them)

"This auction was listed by OMINS - the auction management software professionals use"


(Professionals. Professionals. Professionals. Consider that for a while.)

The Smusic vest

Not available in stores, this cutting edge commercial from 1985 shows the benefits of donning the "Music Vest" so you can listen to FM radio while taking your baby for a stroll, doing the gardening or just when you're hanging out ...breakdancing in front of a garage door.

Thanks to Chloe for the contribution.

Smooch news reporting, a/k/a "It was all a dream"

Except that he didn't.

Perhaps you can recall being a child. Specifically, a child at school. There's a portion of most days called "creative writing" where you open your IB4 and are forced to write a story using the part of your pre-pubescent brain that's usually devoted to wondering who would win a fight between your two favourite toys, or what would happen if the school suddenly exploded and you all had to go to school at Willy Wonka's chocolate factory...

Or something. Anyway, sometimes when it's writing time, it's easy. You have an idea, or something actually happened on the weekend that you can turn into six or seven sentences of barely coherant scrawling. Other times, you've got nothing. Not one fragment of a story. You sit there blankly staring at the page, willing words to appear on it. You draw a picture encompassing as much of the page as you can get away with. You feign illness. You even consider copying from the person next to you, except the person next to you is the weird kid who smells of urine, you can't even read their writing, and their story is about gnomes who live in a "special garden" where they take their clothes off. So you have to find a gimmick. Then five words enter your head: It. Was. All. A. Dream. And you're saved.

Now, you can write anything, even the most boring story your grandma once told you about going to Whakatane, or even rip off the entire plot of a Saturday morning cartoon, because you have a surprise ending. A twist. An out. You can plummet to your death at the bottom of the Grand Canyon, because as the Choose Your Own Adventure paperback series taught you, "It was all a dream" is an acceptable ending. Even though when you read it in the CYOA book, it kind of made you feel disappointed and unsatisfied. Never mind, it got you through creative writing for today.

So, you're 8 years old and you've just discovered lazy writing.

Then, you skip about two decades and you're like everyone, searching the internet for some spark of interest to enliven the next few minutes. So you read news websites. And you start to get a very familiar feeling when reading every sixth or seventh story. It takes a while, but then you connect that feeling with what you're reading. A cop out ending. Something that undoes everything you've just mentally digested. It was all a dream. This is a common occurrence. It's lazy. It's smooch as fuck. It's not acceptable.

For example:

I became initially upset at reading that a "Muslim owner of a care home removed bacon sandwiches and sausages from its menu, infuriating its 40 residents - none of whom share his beliefs." How dare this man, this callous individual, deprive these citizens in the twilight of their lives the simple pleasure of savouring their favourite porcine-derived foods?


Sources were even quoted [A relative of one resident said: "This is a disgrace. The old people who are in the home and in their final years and deserve better.

"They are paying customers who are making profits for this man. The least he can do is give them their favourite food."]

Then I got to the end of the report. Where I found something that made this "disgrace" nonexistent. It made the story a non-story. Non-newsworthy.

"Dr Khan, who has owned the home since 1994, said: "There has been one delivery of halal meat and people have misunderstood the concept.

"As soon as I realised this I held a senior staff meeting and I made it abundantly clear that residents could have any meat product or food they wished.

"I agree it would be quite wrong for someone to impose their religious or cultural beliefs on others, but this is not the case." "

So....there's been a moment of confusion in an old folks home. There is nothing for me here. But the people at the Telegraph would have us take in something only to render it pointless minutes afterward. Lazy. Cheap. A cop out. Call it what you will. There's a quest for content on the internet, to the point where people will conjure sensation out of pure lies, pure fiction. For what? A website "hit"? A real piece of interesting journalism would do ten times the job, and not leave people feeling dissatisfied* afterward.

The Telegraph aren't the only offenders - they just happened to be the ones who triggered this rant.

I promise you, we'll be back to joviality here in the very near future.

Cheerio.



[* speaking of dissatisfaction, this made me shake my head and chuckle.]

Smooch for sale. Literally.

There is a clothing brand called "Smooch" - a revelation almost too good to be true.



"Great SMOOCH board shorts, Been tried on and not good on me so item is new but no tags attached.
Bought for $30 just a couple months ago.


I'm having a huge clear out so check my other listings."

(Item is not "new" if you have worn and smooched it out.)



"LABEL IS SMOOCH,BLUE IN COLOUR,SIZE 12,TUNIC STLYE WITH DEEP SIDE POCKETS,WORN X2,



POSTAGE WILL $5.00"

(Postage will what?)



"Smooch cotton dress top to fit sz 8 or xs
armpit to armpit: 38cm lying flat unstretched
exc cond"

(Unstreched = unsmooched, photo evidence proves otherwise therefore measurement is false on the grounds of SMOOCH.)

Smoo brows

Reusable eyebrows. Reusable = smoosable.

Thanks to Lady Rose for this contribution.

Simpsons provide textbook definition of smooch

Sketchy trio

Just in case you're wondering what the world of "Sketches and Paintings for Sale" is up to, here are a few top contenders of consideration.



This is an auction for a Pencil Sketch of Middleton Grange 1982

"The Lower Right reads:
A signature which
I cannot make out ??? & 82

The Lower Left reads:
A/P

The Lower Middle Reads:
Middleton Grange

NICE DETAIL !!

We offer the Best Value & Quality here at shoppinglines"

BUY NOW for $25

(The photograhy's only a patch less professional than the work itself.)




23rd A/F Mechs? 12/4/60 Pencil Sketches

"I am listing a large collection of military badges Medals, Photos and a variety of other collections so check out my other listings
All Questions welcome"

(Here's a few questions - What the hell is this, why is this and how is this?)



LET ME TOUCH YOU PAINTING

"This painting is an older one of mine, but still neat. Its of a lady who needs a friend. Quite expressive, yet the colours are not suttle."

BUY NOW $32

(Um.....)

More from the Smooch Cannery Dept.

Oh, 1170% of my recommended daily intake of cholesterol? That's absolutely fine.

Busty bargain

This fine example of.... um.... well, it's a ..... ah... uh....

Whatever it is, it can be yours for a mere $239, which is chump change in anyone's language. Which is to say you're a chump if you change your cold hard cash into the ownership of a cold hard bust of ....whatever this purports to be.

Available for perusal at a shop in West Auckland known as "Just Plane Interesting" - which seems like a contender for a visit with camera by yours truly.

Thanks to T Lungz for this contribution.

Smooch parking

Grrrrrrrrrreeeeeeeeeeeeat Jooooooooooooooob!

Thanks to The Heartbreaker for the contribution.

Give me convenience, give me salmonella or give me both

Smoochalikes

Left = Debbie Rowe, alleged mother of Michael Jackson's children.

Right = Greg "the Hammer" Valentine, WWF wrestler of yore.

Nominee for "Smoochest special effects"

Check out the DRAMATISATION of the tired driver's van which FLIPS MANY TIMES.


Cheers to CJ Juan for this contribution.

Smauction of the year contender #2: Mum Photos

The Wow-Factor-Meter™ just went off the scale.

WHAT IT IS: "3 glamour shots of my mum"

(Main Entry: glam·our
Function: noun
Etymology: Scots glamour, alteration of English grammar
Date: 1715
1: a magic spell
2: an exciting and often illusory and romantic attractiveness; especially : alluring or fascinating attraction)

DETAIL OF AUCTION:

"$5 reserve.

Photographed semi professionally by alan. matte photographs.

Free black frame for the winner can hold 3 photos.

We've had a previous listing withdrawn because of complaints from people. I hope that this auction is allowed to run.

These images are artistic portraits.

we're selling for extra money.
have a look at my other listings."

PRICE:

You'll have to be in quick, the reserve has met and time of writing, the price has risen from $5 to $11.

COMMENT FROM SELLER:

There are many, but for example:

Hi there. Just wondering what year the photos were taken... they seem like they would go perfectly in my 1986-1991 section. natzandarvid (3 ) 12:15 pm, Mon 29 Jun
Answer: They would sit nicely in that time period. Ideally these photos would be best framed and hung in the bathroom or placed on the mantle piece, the boys games room is also a possibility. thanks. 2:48 pm, Tue 30 Jun

Question: Your Mum is decent as. If I am the successful bidder, is there any chance we could arrange a meet and greet with the lovely lady? streetwise (18 ) 2:30 pm, Tue 30 Jun
Answer: its taken ages for mum to get into the idea of her pictures being sold to people. she loves it now though so a face to face meeting isn't doomed to not happen 2:53 pm, Tue 30 Jun

BONUS PHOTO:

Listing of the Original Auction. Yes. Nude snaps.

Smooze clients with smooze ice treats

Apparently these are delicious. Shame about the name then.

Thanks to Lady Rose for the photo.

What's with all the toilet related "inventions"?

Now we've got toilet paper "wettener" - what the hell's going on?

The video is terrific by the way, my favourite bit is when he drops the wet wipes.

Vibram Five Finger Smooes

How unequivocally vile.

From the four corners of the smooch globe...

...comes this week's update.



They don't really have a lot to say about this jacket but i'd like to know how many tonnes of clothing they found it under. Or was it from digging up a time capsule from their childhood?

BUY NOW $40.



I must share with you the charming copy that goes with this fairly bizarre auction.

"I have been collecting old ads for more than 25 years but unfortunately the time has come to reduce the size of my collection.
This is an original, genuine ad from an old car magazine. No copies here.
Great piece of automotive nostalgia, I doubt you will see one of these again...
The page was carefully removed
It is not laminated but it can be done for you for 50 cents. Let me know at the end of the auction.
Makes a great gift for the petrolhead in the family!!!
Size is approx 11 x 8 inches

I post on Fridays
I take no responsibility for items lost in the post"

BUY NOW for $7.50



"Over 40 assorted gift cards with envelopes.

birthday
blank
baby
thank you
sympathy
wedding


great selection"

Sometimes, less is more. But with a STARTING BID of $35 you probably want to know a little more information, like is there "I just spent a lot of money on a lot of stupid crap" card? Because i'm probably going to want to mail myself a reminder of how crushingly stupid I am.



Remember cassette singles? Quite the waste of resources weren't they? And annoying to fast forward through.

Well, look what's pooped into your world for purchase.

"All good condition cassetes.

If you are interested in one only i can list a seperate auction at $5.00 each plus postage.

Jewel - You were meant for me
Bus Stop - You aint seen nothing yet
Blessid Union of Souls - I Believe
20 FIngers - Short Dick Man
Sophie B Hawkins - As I lay me down
Jann Aren - Insensitive
Bryan Adams, Rid Stewart, Sting - All for love
Merril Bainbridge - Mouth
Tori amos - Crucify
Red Dragon - Compliments on your kiss
Wet Wet Wet - Love is all around
S2S - Sister
Brandy, Tamia, Gladys Knight, Chaka Khan - Missing You
Whitney Houston - I will always love you
Maria McKee - Show me Heaven
Suzanne Vega - Blood Makes Noise
L.A.D - Ridin Low
Boyzone - Father and Son
Boyz II Men - Please don't go
Bryan Adams - Everything i do i do it for you
Headless Chickens - Cruise Control
Emilia - Big Big World
Concrete Blonde - Someday
The Rankin Family - Fare Thee Well Love
Los Del Rio - Macarena
Tim Finn - Many's the Time
Gillette - Mr Personality
Presidents of the United States of America - Lump
B*witched - To you I belong
N-Trance - Staying Alive
The Bad Loves - Green Limousine
Heather Nova - Walk this world
Color Me Badd - The Earth the Sun the Rain
Jamie Walters - Hold on
The Outhere Brothers - Boom Boom Boom
Terence Trent D'Arby - Holding on to You"

BUY NOW FOR $100.
ONE. HUNDRED. DOLLARS.