Sozzie package

Sushezi host lacks confidence

Also, apparently the sushi fillings are referred to as "fixings".

Mmm, can't wait to get some sushi next time i'm at Cracker Barrel.

Tell it to me straight

You can be a carny tell talking out of both sides of your mouth, until your media buyer puts both sides adjacent to each other.

Oops.

So, this happened

Even the idea was odd enough...

Thanks to Li-jah for the contribution.

A quick trip to my home town

Actually, I was in Orewa, New Zealand for two weeks, but rarely left my mother's abode.

Partly because I spent an unhealthy amount of time playing, cursing at and then repairing my ancient computer collection, but equally because Orewa is one whole giant Smooochest omninbus of the old, the used, the redundant and the just plain embrarassing. For sale.

But on the eve of my departure, I did take my camera out for just a wee glimpse of this quaint little cove of disappointment.


Ike's Emporium has been the home of smooch goods since forever ago. Even in the 80's it felt dated and brown and like a member of the family you'd hate a friend to encounter.

Just some of the things available for purchase at Ike's included....


Small vials of petroleum jelly found on a high shelf in a container you can't properly see into.


A basket of knobs, wooden.


The last container of a deodorant called "Be Yourself" even though the initials are truncated to "BU" for no readily explainable reason.


A plentiful amount of tiny racial soaps.


After Ike's I took a visit to the Orewa Hospice shop. Now, there are actually many fine second-hand stores in the general Hibiscus Coast region, but the worst stuff seems to end up in the Orewa establishments. The Hospice shop is staffed by many wonderful people, bright rays of sunshine on a slate-grey, chilly Coast day. However, I only wish they can find a few items of worth to stock their store with, so that people might want to buy them and then they can afford a new sign:


But it's not just the sign that's seen better days, take a look at some of the 'bargains'...


VHS tapes (mouldy).


Horrifying vinyl records.


A... a... er... whatever the hell that even is.


And a desk, which someone did buy, but apparently on the proviso that the store can find all of it.

And not to make myself appear to be anything other than my town's spawn, I took these photos with a camera purchased in 2002, and all the while holding a meat pie and a caramel slice (obtained from the ever-reliable Saigon Bakery).

Today's pointless packaging

Bah.

The latest in the world of knitting.

Obviously struggling to reach the "youth market" to get into knitting, the wool boards apparently have taken two attempts (both worthless, and indeed laughable, but let's continue the hypothesis for now) to broaden the appeal of the hobby and its resulting product.

First, there's a the "push" strategy, hoping to make knitting appealing to the younger audience:



What an incredibly likely, and most assuredly, funky situation.

Their second approach was to hope for a "pull" strategy, where young people demand knitted products from their elders, increasing sales that way.

So what do "young people" like?





Obviously!

Youths are always skinning their jeans whilst skateboarding. And a smart brown padding of wool is the just the thing to solve that.

Honestly, you sense the creators of these items much resemble a set of Encyclopaedia Britannica, dusty and wizened as it sits in a corner of the attic, also rendered increasingly useless to the modern generation.

But there are still babies! Knit the days away for babies. Those cheery, fluid-emitting little buggers.



(A big thanks to Robin and long-time knitter Jena Nielcobb for the finds.)

People WILL sell anything...

Even leftover sachets of noodle flavouring, which have no monetary value, regardless of the amount.

WHAT IT IS: "*123 maggi 2min noodle flavouring packets* "

DETAIL OF AUCTION: "Ever wish you had more flavour on your noodles? heres the answer....

My boyfriend eats about 3 packs of noodles a day with only 1 pack of flavouring.I started keeping them.
79 BEEF
44 CHICKEN"

(Thanks for the breakdown)

PRICE: $1. Yep. Oh and shipping is "$6.50 If its less than that i'll give it back." Give what exactly? A.k.a. "i'm too lazy to go to the post office".

QUESTIONS and ANSWERS: None, although i'm almost inclined to ask why this was in the "Gaming > Other" category of TradeMe.

A big 1UP to Dan Tanner for this unique find.

Your feet in Homer's mouth

Deal or no deal?



(Cheers to CJ Juan for the contribution.)

Perfect for no particular occasion

"Definition of NOVELTY
1: something new or unusual

2: the quality or state of being novel : newness

3: a small manufactured article intended mainly for personal or household adornment —usually used in plural

4: something (as a song or food item) that provides often fleeting amusement and is often based on a theme —often used attributively"

Apart from "unusual" there is not a jot of a match between definition and photo.

So what POSSIBLE reason can there be for this?

Thanks to Seedge Haywan for this shattering discovery.

Who? What? When? Where? Why?

Death to all concerned with the creation and production of this item of alleged "footwear".

Planet of the Apes with a synopsis for Sister Act 2.

Thanks to contributor Legon Takeru, we can all enjoy these humourous pirate DVDs, with bad cut and paste jobs, incorrect pictures and movie summaries, and general lack of attention.



More can be found here.

Isn't it wonderful what computers can do?

A download in 68 parts.

Online movies made worthless in one overcomplicated gesture.

Milk Bags

Here's a curious item we found in Eastern Canada - milk bags.

Yep, bags of milk.

Not for cafés, or other trade buyers. This was in your local supermarket, for personal use.

WHY?

Auction of Smooch recordings makes news

My friend Colin, once in a punk band that wasn't particularly good or successful*, ambitiously put out a 12" record on green vinyl, not the cheapest of formats. He pressed up 300 albums. He sold 40. One of the fortunate forty was yours truly.

Now Colin, appearing to be going through some sort of early mid-life crisis (the reality is much sweeter, having something to do with world travel and affairs of the heart) is selling many of his worldly possessions, including his pile of 200 and something Army Of Darkness albums in one job lot.

The subsequent TradeMe auction has received thousands of hits, mostly due to the engaging way it is written, and the amusing question and answer section. Check it out.

The auction has also made the front page of New Zealand's "Stuff" website; the article is transcribed below:

They played shows no-one went to, made records no-one bought and are only now getting the attention they had hoped for thanks to Trade Me.

Colin Mitchell put a bulk lot of 200-odd copies of his punk band's album on Trade Me last week - and it has since received more than 11,000 hits and 34 bids. As of Wednesday morning, bids had reached $111.

Army of Darkness printed 300 copies of its album Delamorte Dellamore on green vinyl in 2002 but sold only 40, losing more than $4500.

The record was even declared "too s**t to steal" after a friend fell asleep at a bus stop and had his wallet, cell phone, keys and shoes stolen - but not the album.

Mitchell kept the leftover copies of the album in his basement and recently put the whole collection on Trade Me, hoping that someone would buy them for the novelty factor, or to decorate their child's room with.

The Auckland man's sarcastic and witty auction - he describes the band as "the biggest mistake of my life" - has brought newfound attention to the group, which was together from 2001 to 2009.

He says the "cruddy" band struggled on like a dying man for "nine years longer than anyone wanted or needed".

"I thought the novelty factor would be enough but the music let us down," he said of the album's epic failure.

"It's been quite a tough experience because people keep giving them back to me. I thought they would eventually become a collector's edition but I was extremely wrong."

Mitchell has been answering questions in the same tone of his listing, telling people that he expected the records would be melted down or turned into wallpaper.

Despite the widespread attention, the bidding hasn't been fierce.

"Financially it is not a success but in terms of bringing attention to my failings it is," Mitchell said.

He promised that when the auction had reached the 10,000 mark he would put a link to the group's second album, which they appropriately titled Too S**t To Steal.

"I think they will be sorely disappointed when they hear it - it's just really not good," he said. "The combination of uselessness and further failure meant we didn't do anything with it."

* I was also in a punk band that wasn't particularly good or successful, The Poorly Rounded. Thankfully we had the presence of mind to make recordings on tape, and give them out to all seven fans we had.

Findings in the US, year 3, part two:

After some delay, here are the second lot of "neat" things I spied while in the States (and Canada) earlier this year.



"Here's some leftover crap surrounded by garnish - $15 a kilo please."


I wasn't aware the demand for whitened coffee was so large. What is the point of "whitened" coffee while we're at it? Intimidated by black coffee? Isn't that ever-so-slightly racist?


This is from what is actually quite a fine sports bar & restaurant, confusingly titled "Taco Mac". However they went more than a bit overboard by offering 140 marginally different soda options. There was another several-dozen options on the reverse side of this menu.


This sign does not stop the Anaheim Flea Market from smelling heavily of animals. Or fleas.


What is the fascination with "three cheeses" as a flavour variety? You can't discerne one cheese from another when it's hamfistedly stuffed into a brick-like parcel of preservatives and cooked until volcanic. One cheese will do.
Also "Deluxe" does make one chuckle - "Deluxe. It's the same but with green stuff in it." THANKS PILLSBURY.


...All the rich, evocative flavour of processed butter in handy, watery, syrup form.
I mean, COME ON.


As you might expect, this was found in the South. You can just picture little Mabelline Trailer Home pleading "Momma, I's want uh Coo Coo Critter so bad!"


In advertising, there is a key element of importance when dealing with food. That is "Appetite Appeal". I do not believe these people received this knowledge.


OH, PILLSBURY, YOU'VE DONE IT AGAIN.
If you can't make it look good, why put an image of it on the box?


Wendy's faux self-deprecating tone doesn't disguise the fact that they were running a special menu celebrating "Baconalia". Need we remind ourselves that the US does not offer public health care.....


Brand new shoes for sale, no wear and tear visible whatsoever. Also the moon is made from three types of cheese.


"Ready in three minutes?" Is that a handy time cue, to allow you to call in sick and prepare the bathroom?

That's quite the acting job

The lives of young NZers as told by goons

Some acquaintances of mine, Appleseed and Dunny D, are in the business of making tunes about the futility of New Zealanders, be they "celebrities" living above their means, or the average youth, desperately trying to live out a life they see from overseas media.

This one is called "The Bitchuation" - content may offend, so if you are mild-mannered, perhaps give this one a miss.

So Busy Now Days

Would you let the same person who helps you with exterior maintenance and water blasting also shoot and edit any video work you may also require?

I've heard of jack-of-all-trades before, but this is a step too far.

Thanks to P. Starr for the contribution.

It's gotten to that point.

Waffle house, hot pockets, KFC bowls

A trifecta of chuckles.

Irked Theater Texter in the Magnited States

Top tip: Asshole or not, don't leave voice messages when drunk, pissed off and completely in the wrong to begin with.

Big ups to Ms Ace for this one.

Social Tattoo

A 27-minute infomercial for "The Gathering of the Juggalos"

Oh yes, it's that time again folks.

Skip ahead 6 or so minutes until the voiceover man gets going for the real good stuff.


Thanks to Slonz for the find.

Unacceptable collections, number 1 in a series:

An utterly successful way to repudiate one's self from the rest of the shoe-and-sock wearing world.
Look at that staining. My teeth even feel somehow offended.

Thanks to Jigga for this one.

Contributor A. Dyer of Auckland has let us know about a new site in New Zealand, smoochcollection.co.nz

Apparently they purport to sell "Just Smooch" items.

And the first thing on the drop-down menu of items is "clearance".

It could just be an unfortunate choice of name, or will it be more prophetic than it initially appears? Stay tuned.

Hey ladies, you can stay at my place for FREE (wink, wink)

This lad has an interesting idea, involving letting a female of the age of 30 stay at his abode for "free".

Well, just read it.

If you'd like to see the description in a larger size, click the image below (you'll also see a photo of the chap in question).

Certainly not an Act of God, he's just not that cruel

Tornados are a "food" item that can be found in supermarket freezers and gas station food warmers across the United States.

They taste even worse than they look, which takes some doing.

Because..... well, just LOOK at them.





If that's the best a photographer can do, then just imagine the real thing.

And if that wasn't enough, FULL FORCE YOUR FACE.



Wow,

Water = most likely safe.

Quite a startling contribution here from Pra. I believe this was captured in New York.

Findings in the US, guest contribution.

Young contributor C. Jae Hwan (perhaps of Korean extraction), currently living in the United States, has recently sent me several of his (or her) findings.

Allegedly, these are all item of food. That is, you can eat them. If you must.



I love the contrast between the whimsical packaging, and the unspeakable horror of the contents.
And what exactly do the depictions of citrus and sliced avocados have to do with anything? Anyone?



Apart from the bargain-basement level of artwork, the "rainbow tango" found inside, upon closer inspection, appears to be peanuts and sultanas.



I don't doubt that these are both "hot ("and" - Editor) ready", but the primary claim does beg severe questioning. If one were to define irresistible, I sincerely doubt these artery-clotting buns of burden would approach even the loosest inclusion.

Also, why are American so afraid of vegetables? Everything is meat and cheese, or alternatively, just meat. Perhaps it has something to do with preservatives and being able to increase the shelf-life of these items ten-fold.