The Belittlest Petshop

Pets.

Pet animals.

Rather than see these as domesticated animals, who's purpose is to provide company and good feelings to humans, people ever so increasingly treat these animals as though they were actual humans.

But not just human acquaintances which they treat as equals with equal respect.

They seem to treat them as very feeble humans, such as a newborn baby or a quite elderly person.

I find this irksome.

However, I find the products sold by and to these sorts of pet owners, truly amusing.

See here:


Colour-coordinated pillows


There are several varieties of these dogmess devices on offer. A mere $150 US for the "system" and you can piss away another 65 buckaroonies for a replacement piece of fake grass for your pooch to poo on.


Oh, because one of my main fears at might is the condition of my pet's neck. Must remember to book my shitzu in for a shiatsu.


Steps OR the ramp. So versatile. You could just use your hands, but no, pay $200 dollars instead.


I mean, come on.


Ah this baptismal pet font is a particularly bold offender. Water's unpleasant taste? It's a cat, it drinks out of muddy puddles and licks its own bum. It is not a creature alarmed by unpleasant tastes.


"Turn the entrance to the corner and no one will know."Cats already find it humiliating going to the toilet, now you want to make it contort around a fake pot plant because you don't want people to ask about why the fake pot plant's pot has a door in it? How is this in any way a convenience?


Pets. They are like babies.


The middle product boasts it can rid pets of their "tear stains", I kid you not.


Handy if there's another blitzkrieg, your pet has its own camp stretcher. The pet will probably have better canned food than you though.


Pet Wheel-Away. PET WHEEL-AWAY. Are you laughing? Because I am.


That step-by-step pet potty training DVD must be obtained for comedic worth.

He would not say "perfect"

Fuck. ing. hell.

WHAT IT IS: Authentic Clark's Wallabees - Tan Desert Boot

DETAIL OF AUCTION: "Authentic pair of Clark's Wallabees!

Lovely tan, super comfortable and stylish!

These are a UK size 7, but I am a size 9 US and fit these fine, to give you some indication.

You can't beat genuine Clark's for quality!




wu tang keds vans loafers style england"

PRICE: Start the bidding at 50 smackers or cough up a whole $90 to buy them now. Yeah right.

QUESTIONS AND ANSWERS: Two questions: 1. How old are they? 2. How much wear? drummer47 (175 ) 4:34 pm, Sun 27 Jun
Answer: Hey there, I bought these a few years ago. They have been in storage for a few years. They have some signs of wear on the outside, but in all they are in pretty good condition. But I would not say "perfect" 4:39 pm, Sun 27 Jun

Buyer must pick up

DETAIL OF AUCTION: "Italian, molded 60" Slope racer, PICK UP ONLY

Model can be viewed and picked up from the BIG ASS Macrocarpa on Mt Wellington where I managed to gracefully land it....

May require some repair work....$102"


Thanks to Johnny A for the contribution

Dhalsim's Outlet Store

Thanks to 'Shoulders' Dan Tanner for the contrib.

Toenailing Detailing

WHAT IT IS: "bath toilet mat 3 peice dolphin tan"

DETAIL OF AUCTION: "bath toilet mat 3 peice

brand new

bath mat

70 cm by 48


toliet mat
52 by 46 cm


SEAT MAT 39 BY 32 CM

rubber backed"

PRICE: SOLD for $16. Quite the steal.

QUESTIONS AND ANSWERS: "Question: hmm has anyones feet been on this?? missy_j.c (490 ) 12:01 am, Sun 20 Jun
Answer: hi no thanks 12:32 am, Sun 20 Jun "

You'll note if you go to the auction, the photo has been altered to rid it of the detestable foot neglect as spied in the shot above. But I am too quick for that.

Many thanks for Lady Rose for stomaching this and contributing.

It is a crazy sale (crazy is anybody who would want this)

WHAT IT IS: "1.2L Glass Celebration Goblet"

DETAIL OF ITEM: "1.2L Glass Celebration Goblet with Glitter Design
Features

* Celebration goblet
* 'Groom' in decorative, sparkling glitter
* Excellent for weddings or stag and does
* Fun for everyday use
* Hand wash only
* Glass capacity: 1.2L
* Glass dimensions: (H) 23.5cm x (D) 11.9cm
* Colour: Black with diamond-like glitter"

PRICE: NZ$9.95 incl. GST
Save 66% (RRP NZ$29.95)

Thanks to Mark for this fine find.

Perfect for your ...mantlepiece/diner

Thanks to Mark for this contribution

Foot Fattish

A couple of great contributions from Dan Tanner and Electric Boogalooser here.... both foot related...



WHAT IT IS: "REAL GIANTS SHOE!! HUGGGEEE!"

DETAIL OF AUCTION: "I met a giant on tunnel beach in Dunedin. On the east coast. He said I could have the shoe as long as I gave him one of mine to remember me by. I only had an oneill 3/2mm surf bootie but this was exzactly what he wanted as he was getting sick of having wet shoes all day so this suited him perfectly. The end

HUUUGGEEE Vans novelty shoe!

Right shoe.

Size US 66.

Old slip-on check classic.

Great condition. Hardly worn ha.

This shoe is huugge!!! Looks sweet and the detailing is amazing. Looks exzactly like a normal size 9-10 shoe.

Any questions just ask."

PRICE: AUCTION CLOSED. Reserve not met. (What a surprise - Ed)

BUT ...WAIT...

"The Item was sold to another member"

They must have bartered a deal. I wonder if they reduced the price due to the mysterious staining, or perhaps the buyer wanted the fluro yellow Bic pen thrown in too.

QUESTIONS AND ANSWERS: Question: omg very big feet i am size 18 biggest feet around in the wairarapa wow these will put mine too shame lol big feet = ? gudluck on sale (-; goodjah (143 ) 12:05 pm, Mon 14 Jun

Answer: Haha sweet bro! 12:14 pm, Mon 14 Jun



And then.....




Buy it for your sweet LaEvelyn or JaSapphire today.

One of my all time favourite TradeMe collections...

WHAT IT IS: ^*^Bulk toiletries for sale - cheap!!*^*

DESCRIPTION OF AUCTION: "Mita Ionic Collection Ceramix Thermal hair brush for use when blow-drying your hair. Excellent second-hand condition.
Olay mousturizing cream for sensitive skin 100g (barely used)
Garnier Ambre Solaire light no-streaks bronzer, multi-directional self-tanning spray (Light Result) 125mL (~3/4 full)
Bodyshop papaya puree body lotion 250mL (90%full)
Nivea body radiant care soft shimmering body lotion (apricot extract & shimmer pigments) 200mL (85% full)
Avon sparkling sugar scents sugar dust body powder 50g (~half full)
Avon foot works double action sloughing cream 100g (~half full)
Dove rich nourishing beauty hand cream 75mL (~3/4 full)
Cool blue aloe vera medicated cooling gel with menthol for all minor cuts, scrapes and burns 340g (~80% full)
NZ Cancer society broad spectrum sunscreen spray 2-hour water resistant SPF 30+ 200g (~1/3 full)
Sunsilk volume anti-flat volumising spray 150mL (half full)
Dead Sea Premier luxury collection moisture cream for multi use from Israel 50mL (~1/3 full)
Dead Sea Premier luxury collection aromatic body lotion from Israel 100mL (~3/4 full)
Elisabeth Arden eye-fix primer 7.5mL (barely used)
Yu-Be moisturising skin cream 3g (brand new)
Nivea sun moisturising sunscreen lotion SPF 30+ 400mL (90% full) (this one got left out of the photo by accident)
Purell with aloe instant hand sanitizer 59mL (unused)
Eulactol cuticle and nail cream 20g (95% full)
Garnier summerbody moisturising lotion sun-kissed look with camomile extract (deep sun-kissed look) 250mL (~80% full)
Aveeno active naturals with cooling menthol - skin protectant for relief of extra dry, itchy skin 354 mL (~half full)
Reason for selling is that I am relocating overseas soon and dont have the capacity to take all this stuff with me, unfortunately. I have another auction for a bulk lot of nail polishes for sale, so check that out as well. :-)
All this stuff is pretty bulky, Im not sure how much it would cost to ship, so would prefer for someone to pick up."

PRICE: Start your bid on somebody's used toiletries for $20, or Buy Now for a staggering $35.

COMMENT FROM SELLER: None, although i'm tempted to ask how much the 1/3rd full bottle of Cancer Society sunscreen would be on its own if the auction doesn't sell.

Smooty Booty

YES this is real. They advertise it in the commercial breaks of "Ellen".

Superman Spider ...nobody know who you are

A great idea let down by the incredibly bespoke method of transportation. AND he has trainer wheels. He had time to learn techniques of two of the greatest superheroes of all time, but not to learn how to ride a bicycle.

Thanks to JC for the contribution.

Decorative buns

From contributor Weasel: "looking for stuff for my new place. yea, fake hamburger buns to decorate with. so so needed."

"We've got the Sting Bear"

This probably peaks with the bit about how you've got a girlfriend who attends all the live pro wrestling events with you. Then THIS is for HER.

Yes.

"Budget" upgrade to Cynos

Thanks to Sloaner for the contribution. Anything related to the Toyota Cynos holds a special (smooch) place in my heart.

Trotters

Thanks to AK47 for the contribution.

Pritty rear things

CLEARLY, this seller on TradeMe only sells repossessed cars. Yet, they received this question on an Auction for a 1996 BMW 540i:

Question: "would u be keen on a swap for a 81 holden commadore, lowerd on black 17" advantis, running a workd 202, Blue top head, custom sump, electirc dizzy, twin barral v8 carby. fresh white paint job, camo interior, chrome bumpers, no rust or anything.. goes nuts. $800 head unit with 6x9's in back and 6's up front. Pritty rear things, never see them round and if yu do there usually in shit condition" simco2 (6 ) 11:23 pm, Mon 24 May

Answer: Hi, sorry we dont swap vehicles but we can sell your car on your behalf. Call 0800 CARSELL if interested. Thanks

"A safe way to meet genuine Kiwi singles."

Evokes memories of a certain recurring comic strip in the long-forgotten zine "Strumming Teeth".

Smooch wrestling masks #1

Consider these pxts

Now my own smooch cellphone should have been long cosigned to a rubbish bin, but I refuse to pay vast amounts of money for a device that basically lets people bother me all day long. However it can still sort of take a pxt or two, albeit very poor ones.

However these items were terrible anyway:


Animal cruelty. I am going to make an entire topic about "these" sorts of garments.


Viva Las Vegas... with its souvenir stores open all hours of the night, peddling shirts like this, with 33 shirt's worth of designs on one.



Pwhomp.


"Trenise, cleandown in the garbage aisle please. Cleandown in the garbage aisle."


Ah this old joke again. Again. They make footwear with the texture of dusting cloths for people who largely remain inactive inside their own home.

Easy to post... Easy to bin too

WHAT IT IS: "Eric Clapton Midi Files disc"

DETAIL OF AUCTION: "This standard midifile hit misic is on a 3.5diskette. You need ancient equipment - any compatible midi palyback system. GM, all 3.5 SMF disc drives, IBM compatibles, Apple Mac, Atari, Amiga via DOS file exchange. The karaoke aspect is ideal for budding singers to train up. This one contains songs by Eric Clapton, Sunshine of your life, Lay down Sally, White Room, CoCaine, Bell Bottom Blues, Forever Man, Prescence of the Lord, Shes Waiting, Let it Grow, all made in Canada. Ideal for musician. Easy to post"

PRICE: Budding singers need only offer up $10.

COMMENT FORM SELLER: Question: is this still sealed? blepharitis (87 ) 12:57 pm, Fri 7 May (Why do they care? - Ed)
Answer: The packet has been opened but the midi disc looks spotless and unused to me.The donor told me that it was never used. Hope this helps Thank you for your question MM

("Donor". As though it was a kidney not some old tat found in a cupboard. - Ed)

Smooch Yo-yo "Champeen"

"A strange, strange man has been showing up on morning shows throughout the Midwest, claiming to be a yo-yo trick champion. He is not. He is actually terrible at yo-yo. Yet he keeps getting on the air.

Little is known about "K-Strass," who goes by Kenny Strasser, or sometimes Karl Strassburg. He claims to be from Wisconsin (except when he doesn't). He claims to be from a broken home, with his own addiction issues (except when he isn't).

All we know is that K-Strass has shown up on television six times in the past month, showing off his yo-yo "skills" and generally embarrassing the hosts.

His latest appearance occurred Thursday morning on KQTV's "Hometown This Morning," in St. Joseph, Mo.

"He got us," said Bridget Blevins, the station's news director. "I hate that we got duped."

And how good was he with the yo-yo, a skill Strasser has said made him a champion? "He did some really lame things. He hit himself in the face and the groin with his yo-yo," Blevins said.

Lisa Malak, who anchors the "Sunday Morning" show on WFRV in Green Bay, thought it would be fun to book somebody who said he was a yo-yo champion. When Strasser showed up April 11, he said he forgot the string for his yo-yo. With no tricks, Malak and Strasser spent their live TV segment talking.

"It was the most bizarre thing that has ever happened to me on the air," Malak said."

AMAZING.

"Vintage" vs "Refuse"

Let's see if you can work out if this belongs in

a) a rubbish bin

or

b) your home


When I tell you this is FOR SALE.

Fußwagens

These fine specimens of footwear are available for purchase.

Apart from the obvious reasons, these also made me laugh due to the fact that they reminded me of the Volkswagen Kubelwagen.

Important Juggalo News

This just in....

Low on price, low on buffalo-building skills...

Thanks to Dan Tanner for this one.

How not to use photography to sell your product

WHAT IT IS: Cute Silver JUST THE ONE SHOE ONDiamante Sandals - Size 8

DESCRIPTION OF AUCTION: "Style: Heels
Lovely low heeled silver JUST THE ONE SHOE ONsandals with diamantes - Size 8...

Excellent SITTING DOWN FOR PHOTOcondition, worn once...

Measurements:
Sole length - 8cm
Heel height - 7cm
Sole JUST THE ONE SHOE ONwidth at widest point - 9cm"

PRICE: Starting bid $1, Buy Now $20

COMMENT FROM SELLER: None, but I want to know WHO IS TAKING THE PHOTO and WHERE IS THE OTHER SHOE?

and isn't it just

Perfect if your head is shaped like broccoli.

Two Views of a smooch cap.

Not exactly "Three views of a secret", contributor Corsican has found someone offering a cap of consideration for sale, and going the extra mile to capture both ends of the item in the raw. Perhaps to give you the idea of how much of a tool you will look to those you encounter coming towards you, as well those trailing.

I'm back! With hats (and a bin to put them in)

Apologies for the infrequency of posts lately, I have been traveling "abroad" as those in British comedies of the 50's say (and that's something you're all intimately familiar with).

Upon my return from the United States I had to move house. Tedious. Back breaking. Ad infinitum.

However, it did present my the chance to offer my very own smooch, courtesy of some old boxes I went through whilst moving. Here then, are some hats. I did not realise I owned quite so many hats, especially in the "near refuse" condition I unearthed and subsequently captured them in:

Smooch Job Description

"We are looking for 35 enthusiastic individuals who want to be part of our exciting new store! We have part time, casual, and full time work available for individuals who are ‘Customer Maniacs’, exceed expectation and want to become part of a great team.

Our Levin store is a special place where you will have the opportunity to develop your career and for those who ‘shine’career progression is real!"

This is for the branch of KFC located in the small New Zealand town of Levin (at one point the 'suicide capital' of the country).

Currently the KFC is closed dues to being burnt to the ground in a suspicious manner. Possibly maniac-related?

No bun please, my colon needs work

Unhungry? More like unfathomable.

Go Forth, young nerd.

Back when I was a lad, there were two kinds of places to find computers within the the home. The first was in the "rumpus" or "games" room, where you'd also find a small pool table, a copy of electronic Simon or Battleships with a flat battery, and a large scattering of Lego or Torro. The second place was in the bedroom of older cousins of yours or your friends. These rooms always had the curtains drawn and smelt "funny".

The second location is exactly where I imagine you'd have found a copy of this book, probably concealing a faded Legalong catalogue or even a copy of Gent or Razzle.