Not big enough?

There's three words you'd least expect to accompany such a photo. (And WHAT a photo it is.)

Thanks to Dork for the Contrib'.

Your feet in Homer's mouth

Deal or no deal?



(Cheers to CJ Juan for the contribution.)

Who? What? When? Where? Why?

Death to all concerned with the creation and production of this item of alleged "footwear".

Findings in the US, year 3, part one

Recently I undertook a trip to one of my favourite locations to travel to, the United States. Because it's so large, it's full of so many great things. And so many, many more very awful things. This time, I also visited Canada, home to more awful and slightly fewer great things.

I present some of my latest findings for your perusal.



'Meals Made Simple' - see it's a whole cardboard box full of bacon. Not sure what meal this actually purports to simplify, unless there's a 'bacon tea' or 'late bacon supper' that i'm not aware of.



I thought this was a nice, vivid example of the kinds of food portions one can buy in the U.S. I did purchase a sandwich similar to the one on the right whilst in Canada, something called a 'dagwood'. It cost $5 and took three separate eating occasions to ingest.


Well, at least someone's trying.


Ah, Scripture Tea. That's what you need to answer all of life's curly questions - such as "What on Earth possessed me to buy apricot flavoured tea bags?"


The people who manufacture "Bod" body sprays perhaps took the premise "really smell like a man" a few steps too literally. Giant, walking on the moon type steps, that is.
I'm not sure what is more disturbing; the out-an-out gall of "Black", or the unpleasantness conjured by "Really Ripped Abs". And don't get me started on the pet-rid trigger applicator.
BUT THEY GOT FRESH GUY AU!!!


And as always, there were terrible shoes.


TERRIBLE shoes.

More to come.

It's about time these things carried a warning.

CAUTION: Your shoes are stupid. You may be shot on sight.

Thanks to MsAce for the great find.

Footwear of Japan

The Japanese love a good shoe. Well, actually they love shoes of any type, good, eyewateringly horrendous, impractical, garish, whatever, as long as it's new.



Here, for example is a television shopping channel advertising shoes. In this case, they spent up to 8 minutes bending the shoe by hand, then pursing it apart, perhaps in theory trying to convey the "comfort" of this particular style, but in reality, pre-smooching the shoe prior to purchase.

And now, some pictures....


A decidedly flaccid, oddly coloured jandal.


In the Nike Store in Harajuku, customers may personalise and customise their own Nike shoe, thereby making "individual" and "unique". Of course, there's no accounting for taste...


....For example.


Here's a new design from Asics. It's completely acceptable. Well, to be fair, it's only moderately bizarre in a country that retails the following examples of shoe for the otherwise-sane human being.....


these....in case you were looking for a shoe that evoked strong memories of an amphibious vehicle...


...these...that offer multiple option for doing up the shoe, including the previously-unseen "3/4 skew lacing", which having now seen, it's previous lack of commonality within shoe design is not a mystery...


...shoes that look like hippie ribbons...


...shoes that are heavily coated in animal pelting (I bet these smell phenomenal after a summer's day)...


....shoes that have been designed to save on ...on.... ...whatever that thing is made out of...


....or you can have it in this cheerful fruity variant...


....shoes that look like a grim-faced, middle-aged lesbians well-worn beanbag that her old dog spends the day upon, farting incessantly...


...dozens of revolting sandals (but then, Japan is not alone bequeathing such monstrosities upon its populous)...


....these... these.... THESE!!!


...and obviously, being Japan, there's the cartoon version of the "Gumby Thwomper", just in case you had a single shred of dignity left that you were looking to erase for all eternity...

But then, my main squeeze secured herself a fantastic pair of Japan-only Nike hightops.

So in summary, Japan is fantastic, wacky, confusing, incongruous, and the home to many terrible shoes. Bless.

One size fits all

Even when it doesn't.

Thanks to Corsi for this, Corsi is in fact the king of sourcing smooch caps and headwear. we will have a feature on these very soon.

Very unacceptable

He would not say "perfect"

Fuck. ing. hell.

WHAT IT IS: Authentic Clark's Wallabees - Tan Desert Boot

DETAIL OF AUCTION: "Authentic pair of Clark's Wallabees!

Lovely tan, super comfortable and stylish!

These are a UK size 7, but I am a size 9 US and fit these fine, to give you some indication.

You can't beat genuine Clark's for quality!




wu tang keds vans loafers style england"

PRICE: Start the bidding at 50 smackers or cough up a whole $90 to buy them now. Yeah right.

QUESTIONS AND ANSWERS: Two questions: 1. How old are they? 2. How much wear? drummer47 (175 ) 4:34 pm, Sun 27 Jun
Answer: Hey there, I bought these a few years ago. They have been in storage for a few years. They have some signs of wear on the outside, but in all they are in pretty good condition. But I would not say "perfect" 4:39 pm, Sun 27 Jun

Foot Fattish

A couple of great contributions from Dan Tanner and Electric Boogalooser here.... both foot related...



WHAT IT IS: "REAL GIANTS SHOE!! HUGGGEEE!"

DETAIL OF AUCTION: "I met a giant on tunnel beach in Dunedin. On the east coast. He said I could have the shoe as long as I gave him one of mine to remember me by. I only had an oneill 3/2mm surf bootie but this was exzactly what he wanted as he was getting sick of having wet shoes all day so this suited him perfectly. The end

HUUUGGEEE Vans novelty shoe!

Right shoe.

Size US 66.

Old slip-on check classic.

Great condition. Hardly worn ha.

This shoe is huugge!!! Looks sweet and the detailing is amazing. Looks exzactly like a normal size 9-10 shoe.

Any questions just ask."

PRICE: AUCTION CLOSED. Reserve not met. (What a surprise - Ed)

BUT ...WAIT...

"The Item was sold to another member"

They must have bartered a deal. I wonder if they reduced the price due to the mysterious staining, or perhaps the buyer wanted the fluro yellow Bic pen thrown in too.

QUESTIONS AND ANSWERS: Question: omg very big feet i am size 18 biggest feet around in the wairarapa wow these will put mine too shame lol big feet = ? gudluck on sale (-; goodjah (143 ) 12:05 pm, Mon 14 Jun

Answer: Haha sweet bro! 12:14 pm, Mon 14 Jun



And then.....




Buy it for your sweet LaEvelyn or JaSapphire today.

Trotters

Thanks to AK47 for the contribution.

Fußwagens

These fine specimens of footwear are available for purchase.

Apart from the obvious reasons, these also made me laugh due to the fact that they reminded me of the Volkswagen Kubelwagen.

How not to use photography to sell your product

WHAT IT IS: Cute Silver JUST THE ONE SHOE ONDiamante Sandals - Size 8

DESCRIPTION OF AUCTION: "Style: Heels
Lovely low heeled silver JUST THE ONE SHOE ONsandals with diamantes - Size 8...

Excellent SITTING DOWN FOR PHOTOcondition, worn once...

Measurements:
Sole length - 8cm
Heel height - 7cm
Sole JUST THE ONE SHOE ONwidth at widest point - 9cm"

PRICE: Starting bid $1, Buy Now $20

COMMENT FROM SELLER: None, but I want to know WHO IS TAKING THE PHOTO and WHERE IS THE OTHER SHOE?

It's all in the name

Succinct.

These are not shoes

They are a footwear crime.



WHAT IT IS: "Brand New Sanuks - Cool and Comfy!"

DETAIL OF AUCTION:

...

...

(deep breath)

...

"These are one of the most comfortable shoe made in the history of man..

Brand New with Tags star pattern Sanuks.
Woman's size 6 Europe 37.

RRP :- $70-$100

Natural torsion control, natural flex control and natural width control.

No washing instructions but pretty confident you could throw them in a cold wash.

Sanuks were designed by a Californian Sufer. his goal was to design a unique sandal that would survive jungle treks looking for surf or just to keep you smilin' and stylin' at your local surf break.


However you don't need to be a sufer to wear them - I'm not.

Really awesome shoe with Summer nearly here. Ask questions if you have any..

:-)"

PRICE: Buy Now $50. FIFTY DOLLARS.

COMMENT FROM SELLER: None, thankfully.

Some things are still funny

Like old Nomads. For sale. On TradeMe.



And no, i'm not linking you to the auctions. There is no rich irony in owning a pair of these. Only shame. And smoochness.



Guhhh.

Kobe 2 - Good Taste nil

There are no words.

Only the feelings you cannot ignore.

The horror.

Summer of Hate

Living in the Southern Hemisphere, as I do, it's heading into summer. A time when people feel the need to wear less. Fair enough, it is hotter. However, people feel the need to wear less on their feet. Yet they still wish to cover all types of uneven terrain. This is where the problem starts, because here is where millions of morons try to convince the world it's okay to wear things like these:



I just want to make it clear that such is the revulsion factor of these ...things... they can even turn a pretty model into one i'd not touch with an especially long fire escape ladder.



Brr.

And to put the icing on the cake, the Toachi is prone to shoddy workmanship.



Well, can't say I can offer the buyers any sympathy.

:)

May the Force be with smoe....

Contributor T Hünder Lüngz, PHW, has found quite an item of consideration.

It seems Adidas didn't want to miss out on the revenue generated by adults failing to grow up, and have thus come up with some Star Wars-themed footwear ready to take the city by scorn.

Here we have Yoda matches up with a fetching boat-esque, grotesque, paunchy smockassin number:




The depiction of Dagobah's murky swamps, steaming bayous, and petrified gnarltree forests is an accurate metaphor for the smells, murky sweatpants and gnarled, petrified, expired corn snacks of the bedroom environment of the typical wearer of this design.

And now here's one for those of smooch who always wanted to be Data in The Goonies:




Looks like there are buttons in the lace covering of this frumpy avoidance. Hopefully they further alert bystanders to get their disdain on because smooch is trudging their way. I wonder how Harrison Ford feels about having his face on the feet of Jabbas worldwide.

There were additional designs, but I have become overawed with sorrow and contempt.

Use the smorce. Puke.