I'll give you "Mustard Drizzle"

Well I have been a bit rubbish at posting lately.

Which is a shame as I actually do have plenty of content.

But right now, i'm about to head off once again to the USA. So I can only promise a longer delay in posting.

BUT I can also promise more content.

AMERICA.

Home of this....



JUST LOOK AT ITS "IT".

Smooch Cookery on FB, compiled

COOK SUCK

I am quite startled at what people consider a photo or meal worth sharing with the world.

NZ Food Riots

"Two men angry about having to pay for a pie, drove their car into a shop, stole their meal and led police on a lengthy chase through Auckland city.

The incident was the second alleged case of food-rage in the region over the weekend.

Counties Manukau police spokeswoman Ana-Mari Gates-Bowey said the raid happened at the Mobil service station on Great South Rd, Papakura, late on Saturday night or early Sunday morning after one of the men went to the petrol station's pie warmer, picked up several pies and placed one inside his jacket.

He then asked the attendant if he could have one pie for free but was told he would have to pay for all of them, Gates-Bowey said.

"So he goes out of the garage, he's obviously in a little bit of a mood, and speaks to his mate who's in the car.

"Then the guy decides... That he's going to go back in there and just get his pie."

He was frustrated further when he discovered the attendant had since locked the doors.

The man returned to the car where he and his friend decided they would find another way to enter the store.

The car was then driven through the doors.

"[The first man] gets out of the car, goes in, picks up his pies off the counter and does a runner."

The pair then led police on a chase from Papakura to Pukekohe.

The men were eventually arrested after their car tyres were spiked several times.

The hungry twosome appeared in Papakura District Court yesterday charged with offences including burglary and failing to stop for police.

They will reappear next month.

On Friday David Junior Ilolahia allegedly flew into a rage after staff at the Wendy's restaurant in Lynfield mucked up his order.

The Blockhouse Bay resident allegedly smashed tills, flipped tables and assaulted a police officer who responded to the incident.

After being apprehended he was taken to hospital to be treated for injuries he had suffered during arrest.

Ilolahia was charged with threatening behaviour, assaulting police, disorderly behaviour and resisting police as a result.

He is due to appear in court later this week.

Wendy's representatives say he is not banned from the restaurant but owes staff an apology."

-From Stuff.co.nz

Sozzie package

Findings in the US, year 3, part two:

After some delay, here are the second lot of "neat" things I spied while in the States (and Canada) earlier this year.



"Here's some leftover crap surrounded by garnish - $15 a kilo please."


I wasn't aware the demand for whitened coffee was so large. What is the point of "whitened" coffee while we're at it? Intimidated by black coffee? Isn't that ever-so-slightly racist?


This is from what is actually quite a fine sports bar & restaurant, confusingly titled "Taco Mac". However they went more than a bit overboard by offering 140 marginally different soda options. There was another several-dozen options on the reverse side of this menu.


This sign does not stop the Anaheim Flea Market from smelling heavily of animals. Or fleas.


What is the fascination with "three cheeses" as a flavour variety? You can't discerne one cheese from another when it's hamfistedly stuffed into a brick-like parcel of preservatives and cooked until volcanic. One cheese will do.
Also "Deluxe" does make one chuckle - "Deluxe. It's the same but with green stuff in it." THANKS PILLSBURY.


...All the rich, evocative flavour of processed butter in handy, watery, syrup form.
I mean, COME ON.


As you might expect, this was found in the South. You can just picture little Mabelline Trailer Home pleading "Momma, I's want uh Coo Coo Critter so bad!"


In advertising, there is a key element of importance when dealing with food. That is "Appetite Appeal". I do not believe these people received this knowledge.


OH, PILLSBURY, YOU'VE DONE IT AGAIN.
If you can't make it look good, why put an image of it on the box?


Wendy's faux self-deprecating tone doesn't disguise the fact that they were running a special menu celebrating "Baconalia". Need we remind ourselves that the US does not offer public health care.....


Brand new shoes for sale, no wear and tear visible whatsoever. Also the moon is made from three types of cheese.


"Ready in three minutes?" Is that a handy time cue, to allow you to call in sick and prepare the bathroom?

Waffle house, hot pockets, KFC bowls

A trifecta of chuckles.

Certainly not an Act of God, he's just not that cruel

Tornados are a "food" item that can be found in supermarket freezers and gas station food warmers across the United States.

They taste even worse than they look, which takes some doing.

Because..... well, just LOOK at them.





If that's the best a photographer can do, then just imagine the real thing.

And if that wasn't enough, FULL FORCE YOUR FACE.



Wow,

Findings in the US, guest contribution.

Young contributor C. Jae Hwan (perhaps of Korean extraction), currently living in the United States, has recently sent me several of his (or her) findings.

Allegedly, these are all item of food. That is, you can eat them. If you must.



I love the contrast between the whimsical packaging, and the unspeakable horror of the contents.
And what exactly do the depictions of citrus and sliced avocados have to do with anything? Anyone?



Apart from the bargain-basement level of artwork, the "rainbow tango" found inside, upon closer inspection, appears to be peanuts and sultanas.



I don't doubt that these are both "hot ("and" - Editor) ready", but the primary claim does beg severe questioning. If one were to define irresistible, I sincerely doubt these artery-clotting buns of burden would approach even the loosest inclusion.

Also, why are American so afraid of vegetables? Everything is meat and cheese, or alternatively, just meat. Perhaps it has something to do with preservatives and being able to increase the shelf-life of these items ten-fold.

Big Mac Man hits 13.5 million calorie mark

(I have taken this straight from the source as it needs no re-wording.)

Fond du Lac's Big Mac man expected to hit 25,000 milestone next week
By Russell Plummer
The Reporter

Don Gorske sometimes cannot taste the Big Macs he eats every day.


But he keeps eating and next week he expects to hit another Big Mac Milestone: On May 17, Gorske plans to consume his 25,000th Big Mac.

Gorske, 57, says that since birth his taste buds have fluctuated in sensitivity, possibly worsening when he worked inside tanks at a factory.

However, not knowing if he’ll taste the Big Macs has not dampened his love for the McDonald’s staple.

He began eating the high-calorie special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, onions on a sesame seed bun burgers on May 17 in 1972.

Gorske has structured his eating habits so he will devour his 25,000th Big Mac at about 3 p.m. May 17 inside the McDonald’s at 699 S. Military Ave. — exactly 39 years since he drove his father’s Dodge Polara to the original McDonald’s on Military Avenue and fell in love with the sandwich.

A handful of days this year he ate one Big Mac so he would hit the milestone on his Big Mac anniversary.

“A person like me, I just don’t change too much,” Gorske said. “It’s pretty much two Big Macs a day. When I can travel to sporting events, I like to take my Big Mac along.”

May 17 will also be Gorske’s retirement party. He has spent 25 years as a scheduling officer inside the walls of Waupun Correctional Institution.

Gorske hopes to be surrounded by friends and family Tuesday at McDonald’s where the first 300 people will be getting Gorske buttons and free meal coupons.

He will also be showing three displays only viewed by his family and the Guinness Book of World Records — the receipts, 10,000 Big Mac cartons and calendars documenting his obsession.

The need to keep track of his Big Mac consumption is part of the obsessive-compulsive disorder he has dealt with since childhood.

He wonders what his children will do with his collection, which is neatly stored in bins in his home.

“Are these going to be worth anything because their dad was crazy?” Gorske wondered.


Obsession

In 1990 — the year Gorske ate his 10,000th Big Mac — a tornado damaged the roof of his home and made a mess of his collection.

Gorske had to do the unthinkable.

“I thought, ‘I might as well get rid of them.’ I burned like 7,000 cartons over at my brother-in-law’s farm,” Gorske said.

He said his receipts and a special witness – his wife, Mary — validate his obsession.

Gorske now purchases six Big Macs on Monday and eight on Thursday. He has a spare in his freezer in case of an emergency and a special one frozen inside a container.

His eyes light up and his speech quickens when he talks about McDonald’s. A huge grin comes to his face as he pops the lid off a container in his freezer and displays the last Big Mac made on Oct. 23, 2008, at the Military Avenue McDonald’s before it was torn down in favor of a redesigned restaurant erected next door.

In his basement are relics from the original McDonald’s on Military. On a section of the wall is the seat he sat in during the film “Super Size Me,” and the booth seat where he and his father enjoyed his 10,000th Big Mac.

He stores two Big Macs in his luggage in case he cannot find a McDonald’s when he travels.

Gorske even ate a Big Mac from Hawaii that a friend mailed to him.

“I froze it and then I baked it in the oven for 15 minutes at 400 degrees,” Gorske said. “I figured if that didn’t kill the germs, nothing would.”

His wife, a nurse, just shakes her head when Gorske tells the tale of his Hawaii burger.

Since Don just eats Big Macs and takes no vitamins, Mary has convinced her husband to purchase parfaits when he goes to McDonald’s.

In 1985, Gorske went to the doctor for a physical so he could work in the prison. On April 26 this year, he finally returned to the doctor and found out he is in good health with a cholesterol level at 156 mg/dL. Average good cholesterol rating for men age 50 and older is 208 mg/dL.

Gorske estimated he has consumed well over 200,000 Coca-Colas with his Big Macs.

He has saved every UPC since Coca-Cola went from glass bottles to aluminum cans.


Milestone reached

Gorske predicts the 25,000th Big Mac will overshadow his 20,000th celebration.

“I think 25,000 is a pretty awesome number. I’ll never live long enough to eat 50,000,” he said.

If he lives as long as his dad, Gorske will have consumed 40,000 Big Macs when he turns 86.

“I eat what I need to survive,” Gorske said.


(A few more facts before we go, courtesy of the Huffington Post)

"Gorske's wife Mary has convinced him to consume McDonald's parfaits since he does not take any vitamins and subsists mostly on Big Macs (we're a bit dubious of this suggestion as McDonald's parfaits have 21 grams of sugar per serving).

One Big Mac serving has 540 calories and 29 grams of fat. So, in total, Gorske has consumed about 13,500,000 total calories and 725,000 grams of fat from Big Macs."

Findings in the US, year 3, part one

Recently I undertook a trip to one of my favourite locations to travel to, the United States. Because it's so large, it's full of so many great things. And so many, many more very awful things. This time, I also visited Canada, home to more awful and slightly fewer great things.

I present some of my latest findings for your perusal.



'Meals Made Simple' - see it's a whole cardboard box full of bacon. Not sure what meal this actually purports to simplify, unless there's a 'bacon tea' or 'late bacon supper' that i'm not aware of.



I thought this was a nice, vivid example of the kinds of food portions one can buy in the U.S. I did purchase a sandwich similar to the one on the right whilst in Canada, something called a 'dagwood'. It cost $5 and took three separate eating occasions to ingest.


Well, at least someone's trying.


Ah, Scripture Tea. That's what you need to answer all of life's curly questions - such as "What on Earth possessed me to buy apricot flavoured tea bags?"


The people who manufacture "Bod" body sprays perhaps took the premise "really smell like a man" a few steps too literally. Giant, walking on the moon type steps, that is.
I'm not sure what is more disturbing; the out-an-out gall of "Black", or the unpleasantness conjured by "Really Ripped Abs". And don't get me started on the pet-rid trigger applicator.
BUT THEY GOT FRESH GUY AU!!!


And as always, there were terrible shoes.


TERRIBLE shoes.

More to come.

Double thumbs down? Not to Kiwis.

New Zealanders are generally a sensible, down-to-earth bunch.

Which makes it even more mystifying that the Kiwi folk recently went completely bezerkoid nuts for KFC's notoriously vulgar Double Down Burger, having bought into the hype of the item of 'food' being very American (and thus, very non-NZ).

In fact, the locals QUEUED UP to try this unsophisticated grease trap, to the tune of thousands across the country. Tens of thousands.



Here you can see.

Reports afterward were that most ingesters of the product felt terrible afterward. And at $7.90 a 'sandwich', they probably felt a burning sensation in the pocket as well as the gut.

But credit to KFC for the marketing. Because, just look at it.

The burger Aussies miss the most

Believe it or not, this is the item of food from yesteryear Australian's pine for.

It looks like Arby's on a good day.

p.s. the use of "Scrumbo" gave me the shivers.

So it's late at night, you're hungry, and you're in Japan...

.....maybe you've even had a few biru, even a jug or two of Suntory Whisky, so you're pretty much keen to eat anything.

So you head into the convenience store, and start picking things up.


Looks promising... even though you wouldn't normally eat a hamburger, cold, from a convenience store.

Hmm, maybe you'd better take another look at that....



Ah. Actually, you think you'd rather muddle your way through the little Japanese you know and enjoy a restaurant meal instead.

This week's canned good: Sandwiches

(amusingly, i misspelt the title as "This week's canned god." They wish.)



Oh yes. You are looking at a variety of canned sandwiches.

At first, I thought "every day, the world gets a bit lazier" and was about to launch into a tirade. But then I found this video....

Here's CEO of Candwich (what a title that is to bestow on one's self) Mark Kirkland talking to some Australian television presenters, who are already sniggering over the idea before he can explain it:



YOU HAVE TO MAKE IT!

So, it's designed to fit in a can - for convenience.

It's designed to fit into a vending machine - for convenience.

But then you have to make it yourself.

Neat as.

p.s. Anyone keen on that BBQ Chicken one, especially near the end of its use-by date?

Thought not.

Unskinny Burger

KFC, already infamous for their 'Double Down Burger' that seemingly constructed solely to give people's lower intestinal tract a fearsome workout, are now developing something to do the same to people's hearts and associated plumbing. The Skinwich.

Here's a quote from just one of thousands of everyday humans, equipped with a fully-functioning brain, who are expressing their confusion and disdain for this bizarre, disgusting idea:

"for the love of god ....it must be a joke!?? KFC new development something a delicious as a Skinwich?

What is a Skinwich you ask? it’s 5 layers of the colonel's fried chicken skin, lumped on a bun and topped with all American cheese and two slices of delicious bacon as an extra special prezzie to your arteries this cant be true"

And you thought Arby's were the champions of "Worlds Laziest Burger Chain", well it looks like they have a serious contender to that crown.

Fish Poop, more like (you're fired - Ed)

Decorative buns

From contributor Weasel: "looking for stuff for my new place. yea, fake hamburger buns to decorate with. so so needed."

No bun please, my colon needs work

Unhungry? More like unfathomable.

Let's go to Wal-Mart ..part 2.

WELCOME BACK TO WAL-MART! ENJOY OUR AIR-FILLED BREAD FOR PEOPLE WITH AIR-FILLED HEADS!


Those forlorn hats are the biscuit base to the rest of this display's icing and cherries.


Cheap Mexican DVD's. The one on the top right is particularly disturbing.


But you can't watch these DVD's without a packet of ¡SPONCH! can you? That would be insane. What may be more reasonable is to be completely clueless as to what ¡SPONCH! actually is.


Fisherman have very low self esteem. They'll take a smashed tub of bait from the fridge at Wal-Mart, shrug despondently then shuffle off to fish, a solitary tear slowly trickling down their cheek.


It's a touchdown~! ....for smoochness.


Now it's easy enough to laugh at these knock off sodas, especially their weak imitation names, but the Dr Pepper rip off tasted near-identical, and was only 78¢. Clearly it was made of cats and automotive lubricant.


It exclaims "GREAT VALUE." It really says "YOU ARE TOO POOR TO ALLOW YOURSELF TO ENJOY YOUR FOOD."


Mmmm. Unusually dry.


Mmm. Unusually gelatinous.


Inedibles, more like.


Of course, the photo on the outside can't possibly live up to the real thing.


What you can't tell from this photo is that this was the size of an unusually tall 4-year old child, and appears to consist entirely of food colouring and hardened sugar. You wouldn't find this in N.Z.


Cheesing the days away. Almost everything featured here has the gluey consistency, which is the only way a human body's digestive tract is able to process this non-food.


Artichoke Dip or one of Pierre Curie's petrie-dish experiments? You be the judge.


Oh Dinty Moore. When other people stop, you just truck on into Carb Town at twice the speed.


That slice of mushroom looks like a prehistoric fossil preserved in tree sap. But it probably tastes much worse.


Oh, I get it. The chicken is in a separate can TO KEEP IT FRESHER. Or two withhold e.coli from forming until the moment of preparation.

THAT'S WHY PEOPLE WHO SHOP AT WAL-MART ARE FAT. THERE, I SAID IT.