In the section labelled "Fart" at your newsagent

Where to even begin?

Probably examining the conscience of the people who come up with these cards....

Findings in the US, year 3, part two:

After some delay, here are the second lot of "neat" things I spied while in the States (and Canada) earlier this year.



"Here's some leftover crap surrounded by garnish - $15 a kilo please."


I wasn't aware the demand for whitened coffee was so large. What is the point of "whitened" coffee while we're at it? Intimidated by black coffee? Isn't that ever-so-slightly racist?


This is from what is actually quite a fine sports bar & restaurant, confusingly titled "Taco Mac". However they went more than a bit overboard by offering 140 marginally different soda options. There was another several-dozen options on the reverse side of this menu.


This sign does not stop the Anaheim Flea Market from smelling heavily of animals. Or fleas.


What is the fascination with "three cheeses" as a flavour variety? You can't discerne one cheese from another when it's hamfistedly stuffed into a brick-like parcel of preservatives and cooked until volcanic. One cheese will do.
Also "Deluxe" does make one chuckle - "Deluxe. It's the same but with green stuff in it." THANKS PILLSBURY.


...All the rich, evocative flavour of processed butter in handy, watery, syrup form.
I mean, COME ON.


As you might expect, this was found in the South. You can just picture little Mabelline Trailer Home pleading "Momma, I's want uh Coo Coo Critter so bad!"


In advertising, there is a key element of importance when dealing with food. That is "Appetite Appeal". I do not believe these people received this knowledge.


OH, PILLSBURY, YOU'VE DONE IT AGAIN.
If you can't make it look good, why put an image of it on the box?


Wendy's faux self-deprecating tone doesn't disguise the fact that they were running a special menu celebrating "Baconalia". Need we remind ourselves that the US does not offer public health care.....


Brand new shoes for sale, no wear and tear visible whatsoever. Also the moon is made from three types of cheese.


"Ready in three minutes?" Is that a handy time cue, to allow you to call in sick and prepare the bathroom?

Contributor A. Dyer of Auckland has let us know about a new site in New Zealand, smoochcollection.co.nz

Apparently they purport to sell "Just Smooch" items.

And the first thing on the drop-down menu of items is "clearance".

It could just be an unfortunate choice of name, or will it be more prophetic than it initially appears? Stay tuned.

Ricky G gets in on the act

You'll be pleased to know that ersatz-"Chubby Funster" (not my words) Ricky Gervais has posted an item of smooch nature on his blog here: Week one hundred and forty nine December 2010

It's a cereal named "Good Friends". Really.

KFC make threepeat of eyebrow raising decisions

Not content with already bringing us the Double Down burger and developing the Skinwich (see earlier entries), KFC - or, more correctly in this instance, their parent company Yum Brands - have fronted up with the money to help construct a brand new event facility in Louisville, Kentucky. The catch? They have the naming right.

So yes, say hello to the KFC Yum! Center.



Here's some PR wiffle on this nonsense:

"Louisville Downtown Arena Officially Becomes KFC Yum! Center
Yum! Brands, LAA, Team Services Announce Long-Term Arena Naming Rights Agreement

LOUISVILLE, Ky. (April 19, 2010) – It’s official. Yum! Brands, a prominent, global corporation proud of its Louisville roots and extensive community involvement will stamp its name on the city’s newest addition. Effective immediately, KFC Yum! Center will be the new name for the 721,000 square-foot, downtown arena slated to open on time this fall. "

Some of the quote are quite chortle-inducing too:

"“We are absolutely thrilled to unveil our new arena name, KFC Yum! Center,” said Jim Host, Chair of the Louisville Arena Authority. “We have been patient throughout this process, knowing the excitement was building for this particular day when we could announce which company would capitalize on this marquee naming rights partnership."

The naming rights deal even extends to signage on the roof. For all those of you in Airships who happen to be passing over the venue.

Frankly, the whole thing leaves a sour taste in the mouth.

"...but you ARE lazy, right?" "Oh, don't get me started!"

"PAJAMA (sic) JEANS™"

"Pajamas you live in, jeans you sleep in."

"They're the newest thing!"

"Of course I, you, and everybody we know needs a pair of Pajama Jeans. They are comfy and roomy and true to size. They slide on like butter, wear like bowl of fresh cream. I put on a nice blouse, and I'm pretty sure I could actually go on a job interview like this and nobody would know the difference."

I will personally get hired to the same company, ascend the corporate ladder ahead of (shan't be hard, clearly they'll be immensely lazy), then resoundingly fire anyone who thinks it's okay to turn up to a job interview in the clothes they sleep.

Acceptable wear only for the most frugal of hobos.


Thanks to T Lungz for sourcing this amazing item of smooch.

Smooze clients with smooze ice treats

Apparently these are delicious. Shame about the name then.

Thanks to Lady Rose for the photo.