Bonus Tat

Much like the "White Elephant" stall or "Jumble Sale" at a school fair, here are a collection of random items of smooch junk that do not posses any great appeal in their own.

So here they are as one very sad trestle table of smooch, as I once again assert my hegemony about what is not acceptable to display, buy or wear under almost any circumstance.


Here is a smooch brown cardigan. Now you may be thinking "gee, the shop hasn't done a very good job of displaying this." Well just you wait....





So, product goes straight from factory, to squashed in a box, to a shop shelf, to your home. All without any kind of care. DO NOT BUY THIS JUNK. It is pure landfill masquerading as an item of purpose.



Owning this shirt is the ultimate self-insult.



Oh, a box of old tissues/worn hosiery? How thoughtful. How necessary.

Summer of Hate

Living in the Southern Hemisphere, as I do, it's heading into summer. A time when people feel the need to wear less. Fair enough, it is hotter. However, people feel the need to wear less on their feet. Yet they still wish to cover all types of uneven terrain. This is where the problem starts, because here is where millions of morons try to convince the world it's okay to wear things like these:



I just want to make it clear that such is the revulsion factor of these ...things... they can even turn a pretty model into one i'd not touch with an especially long fire escape ladder.



Brr.

And to put the icing on the cake, the Toachi is prone to shoddy workmanship.



Well, can't say I can offer the buyers any sympathy.

:)

Munter Hunter

Here's a rare chance to pick up one of the few remaining Hillman Hunters, NZ's #1 smooch bogan car of choice for the years 1978-1996, until Japanese imports began to be re-sold for a third time. This one's in classic condition too. Lovingly captured in these photos.





WHAT IT IS: A 1974 Hillman Hunter sedan.

DETAIL OF AUCTION:

"1974 Hillman Hunter

Rego on Hold
Painted gloss black
Lowered in rear
14" Tridents
4 speed manual
Exterior and interior in good condition

Awesome easy project car wont take much to get on road.

Not running have owned for last year was going to be my poject car but am shifting and cant keep it. Engine is all there just needs a battery

Could be keen for swaps"

PRICE: Lay down your bid of $800 or more to take this old tramp home.

COMMENT FROM SELLER:

(The questions are more cringe-worthy than the answers. Here are a couple.)

Question: hay bro where bowts are keen 4 a look. cheers txt me off my listing laufiro07 (0 ) 2:42 pm, Sun 20 Dec

Question: keen on this, much wrong with th motor and geerbox? what need for warrent? sweet lookin car dollarbillz (12 ) 9:00 pm, Mon 21 Dec

Balloonacy

"Thanks" to AK47 for this eye-opening contribution.

May the Force be with smoe....

Contributor T Hünder Lüngz, PHW, has found quite an item of consideration.

It seems Adidas didn't want to miss out on the revenue generated by adults failing to grow up, and have thus come up with some Star Wars-themed footwear ready to take the city by scorn.

Here we have Yoda matches up with a fetching boat-esque, grotesque, paunchy smockassin number:




The depiction of Dagobah's murky swamps, steaming bayous, and petrified gnarltree forests is an accurate metaphor for the smells, murky sweatpants and gnarled, petrified, expired corn snacks of the bedroom environment of the typical wearer of this design.

And now here's one for those of smooch who always wanted to be Data in The Goonies:




Looks like there are buttons in the lace covering of this frumpy avoidance. Hopefully they further alert bystanders to get their disdain on because smooch is trudging their way. I wonder how Harrison Ford feels about having his face on the feet of Jabbas worldwide.

There were additional designs, but I have become overawed with sorrow and contempt.

Use the smorce. Puke.

Smooch Dance Crew

SHOE CRIMES '09

There have quite a considerable abundance of "shoe-design-and-subsequent-wearing-of" crimes this fine year of our dog, twenty ought nine.

Conveniently for me, I was able to photographically capture nearly all of them in one outlet store in the state of California a few months ago.

Feast your eyes on these, and know they are wrong. Covet all thy neighbours' oxen and manservants you wish, just as long as you don't covet these disasters.


First cab off the rank is this foot based tapestry. Rank is the only way I can describe it. If Nanna Olga is no longer alive to knit you a horrible sweater, you can just buy these and be derided all the same.


And here's its fecal sibling.


It has been a particularly bad year for rubbery awfulness. I thought that plague had reached its maximum with the Croc™ but shoe makers seem to find new ways to ruin the already ungainly Scholl sandal.




What the hell is wrong with covering up your heel? We do not need to see it, in its smooch, reddened, blistered glory. Put it away and move these footwear crimes to the nearest furnace. They are remarkably stupid.






PUT YOUR TOES AWAY.


This is just as bad. It looks like a pretzel and I bet those who wear these would be as oily and salty as one too.


Grey and brown don't go together. Besides that, it's like the gentrification of a poo-stained nappy.


Absolutely no signs of visible wear and tear on these.


Made of imitation leather one step up from polythene and modeled on the only thing as bad as the kitten heel. That's an explanation for boys, if you're a girl you just need to know these are substantially unattractive. It screams "disappointing prom".


I genuinely feel sad for this one. It's the only style that knows it's a born loser.


Quite a bit of grip up front there, in case you need to walk through a cow paddock on your way to your book club/date at Farmlands. Nuggety.


This weighed no more than 4 grams and was constructed with a build quality to last up to next week.



Two views of this olive behemoth as one angle didn't quite capture the dank sourness. Expensive if only for elitism's sake, because if every one in your street is wearing ugly shoes, you need to reserve the ones that look like Robin Hood for the people with the most money to waste.

Smoochness carries through into tattoo

I mean, it's one thing to get a tattoo.

Another to get a smooch portrait tattoo.

But to preserve the smoochness of an article of clothing on that tattoo.

That's.....The Smoochest.


Thanks to Alex for this wowzer of a contribution.

Smooch Birthday Cock

I'm all for education, but that's really not an appropriate occasion.

Try the bin

Thanks to Milk Bubble for the contribution.

Everything you've ever wanted to know about Muckle Flugga*

WHAT IT IS: "PAT EVISON HAPPY DAYS IN MUCKLE FLUGGA"

DETAIL OF AUCTION: "PAT EVISON HAPPY DAYS IN MUCKLE FLUGGA

LARGE PAPERBACK ALL ABOUT AUSTRALASIA'S FINEST ACTORS"

PRICE: Start your bids with 6 of your hard-earned dollars. To be honest, you'd be better off purchasing two pies.

COMMENT FROM SELLER: None. Have I mentioned that my Grandad could not stand (Dame) Pat Evison? Needless to say, I still trust his judgement.

Smicecreams

WHAT IT IS: "Icecream & popsicles Mobile" (Capitalisation, Seller's own)

DETAIL OF AUCTION: "3 Icecream desserts, pearl, sparkling and colorful mobile
This mobile is hand painted onto transparent Polycarbonate.
Looks great hung near a window where the sun is able to shine on them and send beautiful reflections around the walls as the mobile moves in the natural air movement of your home.

Size: 95mm x 70mm, very child safe

Postage Free
(only 3 left)"

PRICE: Buy now for $5

COMMENT FROM SELLER: None. I keep thinking polycarbonate was the stuff Han Solo was frozen in during the Star Wars trilogy, but that's not as amusing as the "beautiful reflections" this contraption is alleged to create.

Old money...

via 'Official Funner' Dan Tanner

"I am fucking sick of people trying to sell me NEW fashioned handfeeding negro type moneyboxes" - Philip, Browns Bay

"Guy came all the way from Browns Bay to Mt. Albert just to post this?" says Dan.

Dan posted this fine gem on Muckmouth.com's "Some Items of Consideration" the forefather and guiding light to this website. If you have never been there, I sternly implore you to do so.

Modern Needs

I guess kids these days can't get excited aboout recreating the Battle of the Somme or Guns of Navarone.

Still, this is a very smooch step in the other direction....




[Click on the photos to see them in full]

Absolutely fine. And yes, that is a Paper Plus sticker on it, so if you live in New Zealand you can buy a set for your children.

I dare anyone to send one in the mail to the United States. (Chortle! - Reader's voice)

Many thanks to Lady Rose and Katie for the contribution.

Pizzazzery

Contributor Naggers has once again stumbled upon a garish element of the smooch landscape.

A website entitled Puppet Pizzazz where two grown gentleman are eager to offer you their services in the way of puppeteering two frightening looking middle aged women. Puppets.

As Naggers so puts it, it's "terifying" I'm reticent to show you any visuals, firstly as the experience provoked a palpable cold fear from my brain and body, and I was forced to have a bit of a lie down. Secondly, the site is so awfully constructed and fully of animated ("gifs" - Ed) that it crashed my browser. Twice.


I took that as something of a blessing and refused to return.

However....




Brrrr.


Thanks Naggers.

Smooch Sonic

Or as some people seem to think the character is called, SPACE CAT.

Truly this creation is a Space Cat of Consideration.


Many thanks to Dan Tanner for his fine contribution.

It's not stalking, it's art.

Two for the price of one in this amazingly detailed sketch.



WHAT IT IS: ""man in a cap with a cell phone" by barbara pauly"

DETAIL OF AUCTION: "small 5 3/4" x 8 1/4" graphite sketch

protected in a plastic "copysafe pocket"

free delivery to an auckland buyer

on the back of the quality sketch paper is another sketch by the same artist:

"Parked Cars...Interesting Road Markings...14:40 pm 31/12/8" "

PRICE: Just 5 of your hard earned folding starts the bidding for this one.

COMMENT FROM SELLER: None, but I am tempted to request the "b-side" sketch for hilarity purposes.

Let's go to Wal-Mart ..part 2.

WELCOME BACK TO WAL-MART! ENJOY OUR AIR-FILLED BREAD FOR PEOPLE WITH AIR-FILLED HEADS!


Those forlorn hats are the biscuit base to the rest of this display's icing and cherries.


Cheap Mexican DVD's. The one on the top right is particularly disturbing.


But you can't watch these DVD's without a packet of ¡SPONCH! can you? That would be insane. What may be more reasonable is to be completely clueless as to what ¡SPONCH! actually is.


Fisherman have very low self esteem. They'll take a smashed tub of bait from the fridge at Wal-Mart, shrug despondently then shuffle off to fish, a solitary tear slowly trickling down their cheek.


It's a touchdown~! ....for smoochness.


Now it's easy enough to laugh at these knock off sodas, especially their weak imitation names, but the Dr Pepper rip off tasted near-identical, and was only 78¢. Clearly it was made of cats and automotive lubricant.


It exclaims "GREAT VALUE." It really says "YOU ARE TOO POOR TO ALLOW YOURSELF TO ENJOY YOUR FOOD."


Mmmm. Unusually dry.


Mmm. Unusually gelatinous.


Inedibles, more like.


Of course, the photo on the outside can't possibly live up to the real thing.


What you can't tell from this photo is that this was the size of an unusually tall 4-year old child, and appears to consist entirely of food colouring and hardened sugar. You wouldn't find this in N.Z.


Cheesing the days away. Almost everything featured here has the gluey consistency, which is the only way a human body's digestive tract is able to process this non-food.


Artichoke Dip or one of Pierre Curie's petrie-dish experiments? You be the judge.


Oh Dinty Moore. When other people stop, you just truck on into Carb Town at twice the speed.


That slice of mushroom looks like a prehistoric fossil preserved in tree sap. But it probably tastes much worse.


Oh, I get it. The chicken is in a separate can TO KEEP IT FRESHER. Or two withhold e.coli from forming until the moment of preparation.

THAT'S WHY PEOPLE WHO SHOP AT WAL-MART ARE FAT. THERE, I SAID IT.