Naggers visits Crystal Mountain

I regularly receive contributions. I like them all, even the ones I don't use. Because it shows to me that smoochness is universally noted and reviled. Today, though, I bring you a contribution above and beyond. Contributor "Naggers" (a term defined commonly as "people that annoy me") has sent a photo essay depicting their trip to a themed park in the outer depths of West Auckland known as Crystal Mountain.

I'll let Naggers take it from here....

"Smooch from a recent trip to Crystal Mountain. A magical wonderland of Mother Nature's sparkly bones, confusing crafts and ambiguous spirituality. Natural wonders to a new age soundtrack. Assorted religious sayings and thinly-veiled Christian literature. There is also some kind of animal farm with a Speedy Gonzales roller coaster, but we didn't go to that area."


"I usually have a kind of soft spot for shitty craft characters with eyes on them but the millions of years of pressure and volcanic forces that brought these little fuckers into existence did so in vain. The rugged beauty of nature is lost in their glassy tumbled surface and awkward sideways glances."



"If you need the smell of butts to be associated with anything else, why not make it this beautifully carved wooden foot? A steal at $35."



"They had HUNDREDS of these."



"This is a taxidermy piranha. Piranha are baddass and taxidermy is a great way to show animals and things you don't usually see at work or in your lounge. These are mounted on wooden balls. Are they wheels? Is it doing a balancing trick? Are those it's balls? We will never know."



"Beautiful natural formations like this make great gifts. I'd usually call something like this "timeless", but they have somehow managed to make it the opposite of timeless by putting a timepiece IN it."



"A family of elephants stop to drink at a water barrel with a crystal ball with spinning lights and water overflowing. Where is the wizard? why is the magic crystal ball in a barrel? What is going on here exactly?"


Well there we have it. This place certainly deserves to go on the SMOOCH THEME PARKS list, alongside Owlcatraz in Shannon.